Threshing Floor

Admin...

2008-09-11T20:06:00.000-07:00

I had a goal of becoming a school administrator before I was 35 years old. Low and behold God granted me the job 2 days before my 35th birthday. I am very thankful that God's plans were in my heart. I worried when I didn't get a job for a while but I have faith that I am at the school I am supposed to be at. Turned out after getting turned down for 4 jobs I was the number one pick for the last two- that was an ego boost!
I shed my Cobra skin last Friday and traded it for the deep waters of the Shark Tank! It was so hard to leave the school and people that I love and have worked with for the last 7 years, they were incredibly generous and made me feel like I was moving away from home! I am really enjoying the new position though I still have to ask about a million questions a day- it is very strange going from being the person with all the answers to the one with all the questions. I pray for strength and a good memory- I feel awful not knowing anyone's name! It is fun dealing with kids differently and meeting their parents. I know it will not all be fun and games but for now I am just both thankful and exhausted!!

Back to reality

2008-08-03T20:10:00.000-07:00

Well I am back from a week long conference in San Diego. It was an adventure in so many ways! Plans changed about 20 times before the trip even began and it ended with me riding alone with a colleague in my car instead of 4 of us in my bosses big Yukon. Though the drive was overwhelming I learned a lot- the person I drove with suffers from bi-polar disorder and though he takes meds he still struggles. His insecurities were so pronounced that it was like a mirror into my own. I realize that I need to just take life as it comes, the good, the bad, the ugly, whatever. My license plate says TSALLGD "It's all good" and that is what I must keep in my head- God makes all things good for those who love Him. While in SD I found out that I did not get the job I was hoping for. I had the guts to ask the principal what I could do to improve and he went to lunch with a few of us one day and was very honest. Basically I was too smiley and wasn't difinative enough with my answers- he said it looked like I was searching for the answer. He grilled me and gave me some really good advice so hopefully it will pay off soon. Of course my AP Dave said he called me out as the Joker which made me laugh because really he did! Oh well, I am a smiley person but I learned that I need more confidence- I shouldn't walk in hoping they pick me but I need to walk in knowing they will lose out if they don't pick me. I keep going back to God because I am confident that He will place me where I should be but it is hard not to feel like a complete loser! Sitting in 5 days of meetings with the people who didn't give me a job was a blow to the ego but I also had a chance to get to know other people who someday might give me a job!
San Diego is just beautiful and though I wanted to avoid a few people like the plague (sometimes too much togetherness is NOT a good thing) I still had a good time. Dave was wonderful and would not ditch me even though his family was there- they had a separate vacation and I was so thankful that I had someone that didn't annoy me to hang out with!
Reality starts tomorrow- back to work, I won't go in everyday but tomorrow is the beginning of the end of summer!

Crazy/ Lazy Summer

2008-07-21T19:30:00.000-07:00

I am including a few photos from my 2 adventures this summer- one is of the "girls' cruise" that my sister organized and surprised me with a ticket for as a Christmas present. The other is my Intervarsity reunion with dear friends in Flagstaff over the 4th of July.

This summer has been quite interesting, I am the DIT- Dean In Training- for summer school and it is currently running so smoothly that the principal, office manager and myself play Settlers between attendance and the break. When people come to the door we all rush out of the conference room to help them and we rush to the phones when they ring. I refused to play this game for several years now though my friend Mo begged several times. I just knew that once I played it I wouldn't be able to get enough. This morning the principal had to leave campus for a meeting and then when he returned I had to leave campus to go for yet another interview. That meant no Settlers today. I have to say I felt OK about the interview (after I emailed an answer that I knew but forgot the voice) and it was a very good reason to have to forgo the game but the day just wasn't the same. Hopefully tomorrow will get us back on track!

I leave Sunday for another little excursion- this one to San Diego for the AVID conference. Though the coordinator meetings last year were excruciating I am totally looking forward to the trip. It is a great way to get to know other people in the district and from around the country and we always have a great time going out on the town at night! Last year three of us nearly killed a pedicab driver who was on the bike for the first time- he was very ambitious and thought, though he was about 40 lbs., that he could take all three of us up the hill to the Gas Lamp District. Dave had to jump off so the poor little guy didn't keel over! Needless to say we gave him a big tip!

I am so excited to hear from old friends and to know that others are coming back to Vegas!! Woo Hoo!

WOW

2008-07-12T19:00:00.001-07:00

Oh my goodness, it has been almost a year since my last posting. Why? My computer was stolen and then I didn't get a new one until recently- I had my blog as a "favorite" and when that was gone so was my desire to write. It was a fun and BUSY school year, I successfully finished my second year as the ELL specialist at my school and I felt more competent this year though MANY things went wrong. I was given the chance to do a ton of leadership this year and I got to help with the master schedule, testing, and all manor of other things that will prepare me for the future. I also finished Leadership (required by our district in order to move into an administrative position) with a 97%. It was tough at times but I really loved the information and the people that I met through the process. I am currently applying for administrative positions and though I have heard from some big wig district people that my name is being thrown around I have yet to get a position. I realize that I am not a great interviewer, I end up babbling if I get nervous and then walk out wanting to kick myself! I am generally so confident when it comes to school but I am not as confident when talking about the Dean's office- I believe I have a general idea of how to handle things because I have volunteered in the Dean's office a lot but the details of it are going to be an on the spot education! I have gone to 3 interviews, one of which I knew I wouldn't get because they needed a person of color (my blond hair and green eyes weren't going to cut it!), I found out yesterday that I principal I greatly admire has a spot open so I will try and get an interview there but it is for a high school and it is even farther from my house. I know it is God's decision, where I go, when I go, if I go. I am struggling with that because not getting a job feels like failure, waiting on God's will puts me in my place and that is difficult. I am not close to God and that makes it all that much more difficult. I have not been to church in a LONG time. My house church broke up when everyone but 2 of us moved away and then my partner in church got married to someone who didn't want to do house church anymore. There are a few churches that I would like to try but of course they are on the other side of town and I can't decide if I can afford to do that. I want to go to a church that I can become a part of and living so far away will not help me to build relationships. I can't afford to live without fellowship so that will have to win out in the end! Going to a new church alone is also intimidating, satan must love that! I have recently gone on two great vacations that I will have to discuss at a later time... My brain is full, my heart is heavy and my hope is overwhelming- God is in control and I think I am ready to listen!!

Who's in charge and how do I trust them?

2007-08-19T10:51:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since I have written. I have been busy thankfully, work started, the feet are getting better slowly, I went to San Diego for a week long conference, I have been helping my friend who's daughter has cancer, I have been trying to keep up with my friend who recently had a lung transplant, my house is still on the market, I got to watch a dear friend marry the love of his life, I got to visit with a dear friend during the wedding and I have made a vow with myself- if it is God's will I will be in shape, promoted and in a relationship by this time next year. It is a tall order, all of it- getting in shape would be the easy part if I was able to do much but I can't run for 6 months so I am having a tough time with that one!
I had a very difficult week at work, because of the conference we are all a week behind and it showed- nothing was done well, no one could answer questions for anyone, and we all felt incredibly unprepared when the new teachers showed up. Because of all the things I have volunteered for and love doing I was in charge of the new teachers and their welcome, though I was unprepared it seemed to go well and hopefully they are feeling good about the year. My principal is not only my boss but a friend and we had some very rough days, lots of arguing and hurt feelings. I realized and was called out on the fact that I don't trust her leadership, she answers my questions but I don't trust those answers, I question her and that makes her frustrated and angry. She likened me to a 5 year old who questions everything or a retarded person who will only trust certain people in certain areas. It was hurtful but true. There are reasons for my distrust but none that justify my defiance. Sherry called to check up on me on a particularly bad day and as soon as she asked how I was I bawled. I know I am going down a bad spiral and I am trying to get out of it.
What I have realized through prayer and a poignant sermon is that I am ultimately not trusting God to be in charge, He answers and I question those answers, he leads and I question and hesitate following. I work for CCSD, I work for CJHS, I work for a principal and a staff, I work most importantly for 1500 wonderful middle school students, but TRUELY I work for GOD! If I can submit to His leadership and stop questioning why I do get this or don't get that I will submit to the earthly authorities with more confidence. The sermon I heard said that "we can walk in dependance on God and live out of the overflow of who He is or we can walk in dependance on who we are and live out of the overflow of who we are." I can't stand my overflow- it is hurtful and selfish and damaged. I want to live in the overflow of love, grace and truth. My prayer for the week is that those I am with will be touched by the overflow of God that is flowing out of me.
Sherry thank you for listening to God- he knew I needed to talk! I did take some of your suggestions that I could and we'll see what we get. Love you!!!

Prayer Needed

2007-07-14T07:16:00.000-07:00

I went to the hospital yesterday to visit our school librarian and friend, she just found out that her 3 year old daughter has cancer. While a few of us were there visiting the doctor came in to talk to them about how the surgery had gone. When we went back into the room she told us that the doctor gave her daughter a 45- 50% chance of survival after 7 months of chemo and radiation. The cancer started in her kidney and has made its way up to her neck. She had 5 miscarriages and then went through tons of fertility stuff in order to have her. Corinna only had 1/2 a uterus so it was a miracle that they had this little girl. Corinna is the most optimistic person I have ever met, she kept saying how her daughter was the miracle baby and how she beat the odds to get here and she would beat them again. She knows the power of prayer, she kept saying that prayer is proven and she wants us all to pray. I know God gave her Johnny Cherie because He knew she would be a testiment to His grace and I know that she was given to Corinna because God made Corinna so optimistic. If anyone reads this, please pray for them!!

"Freedom Writers"

2007-07-02T10:09:00.000-07:00

Laid up on the couch I have watched A LOT of TV and movies- yesterday out of bordom I went through Pay Per View and got "Freedom Writers". It is a teacher movie and it was fantastic! My thoughts were of hopelessness- how do we make a difference for kids who grow up with all strikes against them? A very naive young teacher steps in and decides that she is going to win these kids for hope. It was so much like my life- not that I am that inspiring to all my students or that I have made that great of an impact but that going to work you hear, "these kids can't read that", "these kids won't do homework", "I am just babysitting these kids". I got the chance to do staff development this year and I flat out said that I didn't want to hear "these kids" anywhere on campus- they are "our kids" and until we believe in our kids they will succeed only to our expectations! Is it naive to believe that all kids can learn? NO!!! I think it takes some naive optimism to walk into a gang ridden neighborhood where cars are stolen, people are shot, and kids cuss you out for fun. Once you get past the exterior you see, they are just kids. They are insecure, moldable, seeking acceptance, and they do want to succeed! The movie showed something wonderful about teaching- it showed that you have to be willing to make a fool out of yourself, you try to relate but the fact is that you are the enemy in some ways because you are older and authority. That is a natural state of being. If you try for complete authority you lose them, if you try for friendship, you lose them. Teachers aren't meant to be "cool", they are meant to be trusted, they should be the ridiculous cheerleader in kids lives, they should call kids out when they aren't doing what they should, and they should expect more from the kids than any voices that tell them they can't. I think I am great at making a fool out of myself, I have fun with my kids, I teach in ways that most kids can learn but I need to work on setting higher expectations. I want my kids to pass, sometimes that means that I am too easy on them. A new summer project- pray for God to change my mindset so that I can create students who know they can do the hard things!

Hoof Surgery

2007-06-30T22:36:00.000-07:00

I had my bunions removed on Monday. I have been staying with friends who have taken great care of me and now I miss them. I had a friend spend the night last night and that was wonderful but today I am alone with my feet up and BORED! Hard to believe how much I want to at least clean when I can't. I am so thankful for God's provisions for me- he has given me great supportive friends and co-workers, he gave me meaningful conversations with them while they visited and cared for me and He has given me a life that permits me to heal with my feet up! Stitches come out on Wed. and I think I can drive a few days after that though at first they said not for a month- I won't make it that long!!
Got a beautiful and fun wedding invitation in the mail today- I am so excited! It is so fun to see my friends start the life together that God has orchestrated for them, especially since I got to watch God work in them both to bring them to this point! Should be a very blessed day- I just hope I can find a date- one who won't be embarrassed of my booties since I will still have to wear them! ;) I guess I'll go alone like usual... plah!
I am off to hobble and get ice. I have been reading a lot of Jonah lately- several times and I get something new each time- I will have to write more about that later. I also have some news about work that I need to process, again that will come later...

Disturbing Discussion

2007-06-03T18:03:00.000-07:00

I was at a bbq last weekend and was talking to some 20 something kids. They were spouting off about liking the Bible the way they like Spiderman, since they said they were both fiction. They talked about how Jesus was like a Super Hero who had been given powers that He couldn't have had when His story was told. I kept my mouth shut and listened. There was so much pain and anger behind their jokes. All I could think was that some day they would see the power of God in their lives and I prayed that they would see the truth before their deaths. I didn't argue, I didn't dispute because I know I can't argue someone into Heaven and I know that God will speak, I pray it is through my life and not so much through my words unless God has given them to me to say. To me it feels like growth and I am thankful.
It is hard to be humble about knowing the truth when others do not, I felt completely superior to those kids because I know God-- it wasn't a superiority that you would hold over anyone but a superiority that you would like to share. I think that is an oxymoron but I think I am often one myself!

Gotta Love the Mac

2007-06-03T17:54:00.000-07:00

We have a program called Photo Booth and I have been using it to make a slide show for the end of the year. I giggle every time I look at it!

Honor

2007-04-21T22:45:00.000-07:00

I just found out that I recieved the Southeast Region Distinguished Educator of the Year for my school for the second time in 6 years. I was all misty eyed while reading the letter because it is fantastic to be recognized and I work with such amazing people it is a huge honor to be chosen. Last time we went to the vocational school for a luncheon and I got a certificate from the district and one from the Senator. This time the lunch is at a country club and there is a new Superintendant so it should be interesting to see if things are different. In the past they shared a little bit about each person who was chosen and it was so humbling to think that I was among such amazing educators!
I thought how wonderful it was that I was just reflecting on how blessed I am in my job and how much God has given me through it and then wham- even more!! I could not be more thankful!

On a different note I just finished watching "The Heart of the Game". It is a great documentary on a high school basketball team in Washington state and one of it's players. She was destined for the WNBA but because of her choices in life and possibly her upbringing her life turned out differently. I am totally going to show it to my girls- they need to see the effect their choices can have and the ways to overcome mistakes! I recommend it!!

Stuff

2007-04-19T20:02:00.000-07:00

Just a quick update-- If I haven't said this before, I will say it now- I love my job! I have so much fun all day with the staff and students- it is a HUGE blessing and I am so thankful! Basketball ended with the annual Students vs Staff game where the staff won of course! We play 2 quarters women and 2 men with a cummulative score. I had 8 points but I won't mention how many shots i had to take to get those!!! With only 3 women who have played ball before we struggle and rely heavily on the men. Mostly I ran down the court coaching the girls because I couldn't help myself and giggling at the women! I have now moved on to soccer which is just intramurals so everyone plays and it is HILLARIOUS! I had 32 hispanic boys on the field today and me. They make me laugh so much that I can't catch up to them to get the ball! It is a group of kids that are not involved in anything else at the school and many are often in trouble but on the field they are just fun!
Mo has moved in with me for a month while she gets ready to leave for some training in Pennsylvania and then off to India again. She lived with me right before she went to India the first time so it has been really fun to have her back this time as well. She is really good for me and often brings me back to reality with some challenging questions. I am definitely going to have to make a huge effort to keep in consistent communication with her when she is gone and as most people know I am terrible at that!!
I have taken my house off the market for a few weeks and redid the back yard. I am soar and bruised and scraped but the yard looks good. I was feeling way to masqueline though I know yardwork doesn't have a gender- maybe it was the ton of rocks and wheel barrow! So today I went and got a pedicure and a full set of fake nails. Typing is much harder! :o)
I spent Spring Break in Prescott, AZ with 9 friends and loved every minute of it!
I am crazy busy everyday at work and have had kids crying in my office the last two days because the counselors weren't available--ahhh! I told the counselors they are no longer allowed to be unavailable because I just end up crying with the kids!
God is teaching me a lot about myself in relation to Him- some of the lessons are very painful and much of what happens in my life or doesn't happen is very confusing and frustrating but I know God is there, I know He has a plan and I know absolutely that I have a TON to be thankful for. I am very blessed!

New Wheels and College Memories

2007-03-03T21:29:00.000-08:00

Here's the new car- I LOVE IT! I hate the gas bill and I am sure I will hate the payments when they start but I love driving this car!

Our 7th grade students have all been awarded a grant for a $10,000 scholarship to any post high school education if they graduate with their class with a 2.0. I am co-chair of the grant and we are doing a school wide college pride unit in hopes of getting some buzz about going to school. Each teacher has decorated their doors in honor of the college they graduated from. I have both student store and my office decorated. My student store kids are all able to sing "Bear Down Arizona" though they hate it when I start! ;o) It has brought back some great memories of college, InterVarsity, and my journey to adulthood!

My dad was in town for a golf week with a friend of his and they got to meet a bunch of my friends. My friends did a little impromtu tribute to me which was embarassing but so flattering and so wonderful to know that I am loved so much both by my original family and my Las Vegas family! My dad was very flattered as well and kept saying that he wished my mom could have heard it. Dad and Bill came to my b-ball game as well which if you know me, you know that is so meaningful to me. I know that middle school b-ball isn't that fun to watch if you don't have a vested interest but it is a huge part of my life and I love that my dad recognized that and honored it by coming to watch.

I have yet another person trying to set me up- someone from work has a "great guy" that she wants me to meet- we'll see, I just hope that it is either fun and funny or not at all noteworthy- I am tired of having terrible stories to tell after these things!!

Selfish

2007-02-25T08:16:00.000-08:00

I have done it-- my car was having some issues and I decided that when it was time to get a new one I would get what I really wanted. And- I DID!! I feel conflicted about it because it feels so incredibly selfish but at the same time I am working for it and as ridiculous as this is- I can't stop smiling! I got home from the dealer late last night and I woke up at 5am and went for a drive! I don't have kids or a husband and I work hard for what I have so I now have a sports car that makes me smile. I have been praying that God is OK with my decision and I prayed for Him to stop me if I was making a mistake- I don't know if I would have listened but I know He is more powerful than my desires.
The very cool thing- other than my beautiful car, is that a lady from work helped me- she used to be a car dealer so she negotiated the deal-- it was awesome! Not just that but it was so great to see her outside of work and get to know her and really have the chance to appreciate her life experience and her perspective. I kept thanking her and she just said, "you do so much for our students and I have no problem helping someone that works that hard". How wonderful is that attitude!! I am going to use this as yet another example of gracious service and try to emulate it in my own life.
OK, I am off to go for a drive! ;)

What's next...

2007-02-18T19:41:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine at work has started to go to church at Central. She is enjoying it and for the first time she is seeing that our students really need something to believe in. I don't know exactly where her relationship with Christ stands but the fact that she wants others to know Him and the fact that she sees the incredible power in believing in Him is a great sign! She approached me the other day about starting something at school for our kids, some religious group where the kids can come and find meaning for their lives, where they can have purpose. My initial reaction is-- ahhh I am swamped as it is and i am losing important friendships because I don't have time to keep up. Upon some reflection however I see that I can not just say no- I have to pray, I have to search and if nothing else I have to find out who else could be a part of this. Maybe God has taken away my House Church except for one member because I am supposed to start something new at school. Maybe I don't have to be the pinacle but I can be a part-- I can show the people at work that God's love really is enough, I can show the students that they are not alone and they are loved deeply and known completely, I can battle against the gangs, drugs and neglect with the only answer- Jesus. Hhhmmm maybe out of pain and confusion I will find redemption- isn't that the way of our Lord? He takes things away and grows us and then gives us something new that is better for us at the time. I still don't feel lead to leave house church- to leave Zack and the kids- so I will treasure every lesson God teaches us together, I will treasure his prayers, his encouragement and his knowing me. I will treasure his loyalty to God and to me. If God tells us both it is time to move on I pray we have the strength to do that but for now I will treasure what God has kept together!
On a different note I got to go to the NBA Rookie Challenge with 190 kids from school, what a BLAST! I don't really like pro sports- I far prefer college ball but I will say they put on a great show, they kept the kids excited, and we saw some phenominal ball! My players were invited to go and it was so fun to watch their reactions to the slam dunks and famous singers and famous players. They gave us a bunch of freebies and of course I bought some other things- we are going to put a display in the cafeteria to commemorate the event-- I am very excited!
The house is still on the market and not moving, which means that I am not moving. Oh well- God's timing.
I have been spending some time in prayer for my friends in Iraq and their families- I think about them often and can't imagine the burden of being on either side of the situation. Be blessed my friends- I may not take the time to call but know that I still pray!
I've been sick for a few days but I think I finally kicked my fever- that is a good sign but sadly I missed the Sending Team meeting for India-- I had to miss Apex for that meeting and then I had to miss that meeting because of illness- makes me feel bad but it isn't in my control.
Hopefully I will not follow my M.O. of only writing once a month but who knows- if not... see you next month!

Deleted

2007-01-16T17:14:00.000-08:00

I had to delete my last post- I had a terrible weekend, I got depressed and let that selfishness win. I spent some time repenting for doubting God, for blaming God, for feeling that God had abandonded me when that isn't what i know of Him. Thanks to some wonderful encouragement (thanks Gayla and Sherry!) I know that I am where I should be- I don't have to like it and I am honest about that but I have to know that God is there, even when I can't see Him or feel Him.
Starting again... I don't understand why people don't stay at our church but I understand that God is at work. I don't understand why I am alone but I do understand that God is all I need. I don't understand why I am still living on this side of town but I do understand that God has a plan for my future and if I am patient and lean on Him I will get His best!

End of the Spear

2006-12-20T15:01:00.000-08:00

We watched "End of the Spear" at housechurch last night. I had seen it in the theater with some friends from work. It is the story of some missionaries who worked to befriend and share God's love with one of the most violent people groups on Earth. I had read the stories of Jim Elliot and his friends when I was in college so I was thrilled when they made a movie about it- the movie tells the rest of the story and it is great!! I had such fun talking to my friends when we left the theater, hearing their non-Christian opinions of what these people did. One of my favorite quotes came from Jim Elliott-- "He is no fool who gives what he can not keep to gain what he can not lose."
It is a marvelous reminder of what Christmas day really did for the world- how one little baby boy changed and is changing lives forever. We are so lucky to be able to celebrate the birth of our Lord, to know that He came, He loved and He saved. He lives now in our lives, in our hearts and in our relationships.
I am so thankful that I go to church with friends who will watch movies with me and discuss them after and we know without a doubt that God is there with us!
Merry Christmas everyone, enjoy the celebration- it is much deserved!!

Made It

2006-12-16T20:00:00.000-08:00

I did it- "I ran the Strip" plus another 7.1 miles!! My poor sister flew into town to run the 1/2 Marathon with me and was so sick with the stomach flu that she didn't get to run. I felt awful for her! I have to say, I still don't like running but I was really excited to be able to say that I finished even faster than I had hoped for! I am very consistant at 12 minute miles so I figured with a little walking here and there I could make it in 2 hours and 45 minutes. I actually finished in 2 hours and 33 minutes!! I bought a Christmas ornament that says "13.1 miles and still smiling" and I will say that though my legs were sore I did cross the finish line smiling!
I also made it through to Christmas break- I am exhausted as always but in different ways this year. I have so much more responsibility this year but so much less structure it is hard to budget my time and motivate myself at times. I have misplaced a very important document and will have to own up to it when I return in January which will probably result in being written up. I don't feel that upset about it because I figure that even in this, a huge mistake that I have made, God is with me. There will be consequences that won't be pleasant but at least I know that through it all God is with me.
I made it through basketball try-outs where I was told I had to speak to each girl individually about why they did or didn't make the team- it was awful! They cried, I felt like an idiot, but in the end I have a team I am excited to work with. We are going to be very young, and very raw this year but I know we are going to see a lot of improvement. I almost forgot how much b-ball takes out of me until Friday when my friends were waiting for me at Claim Jumpers and I was at school waiting for girls to get picked up by parents who forgot them and then had to play taxi to 3 others!! AAHHH!!!
I feel sort of lost in space these days- God is there, He is prodding me, but I somehow just feel indifferent. Indifferent and disconnected. I love House Church but I can't go to Apex again due to the Sender Team meeting for India. I am the leader of the sending team which is totally exciting but right now just feels oppressive with all the other things I am doing and because I am lost. I have carved out some significant time to spend with the Lord and I am looking forward to being found!
I am sitting in a house that I love but can't wait to sell and once again feeling sorry for myself for being in this house alone on a Saturday night. Life... it really doesn't change much but it moves so quickly I just can't catch up to the time when I feel better about what God is doing with me!
Reading Isaiah I keep seeing how God has offered redemption over and over. This Christmas I will remember that my Lord, the Lord who redeems the world once and for all was born. Halleluiah!!

9 Miles

2006-11-29T16:48:00.000-08:00

Life has been crazy- it is that time of year when I have said yes to so much that I am buried and loving it! I have recently gone to Duck Creek, Utah with friends and it was GREAT although at one point I was laughing so hard I farted and humiliated myself! I am not sure I have ever before laughed for 3 days straight but I have now! The following week I went to Denver to visit some schools that are implementing the AVID program that we want to start at our school. I weasled my way in and now I am really hoping that they will let me be the AVID Coordinator at the school. It will mean putting off going into Leadership and moving up the food chain but it is great for kids and I really want to be a part of what is great for our kids!! The trip was again filled with a lot of laughter, some crazy driving, and certainly getting to know my colleagues in different ways-- my Mormon Assistant Principal was mad at me when we were lost trying to get back to the hotel and he was searching the map and yelled out "Oh Hades!" Of course that just mad me laugh all the more! Then for Thanksgiving I got to go to Tucson to visit my great friends Barb and Michell and see their new house. It was wonderful- I got to see some people who I don't often communicate with but I really love and miss in my life!
The house is still on the market and tonight someone came to look at it and seemed rather impressed so that is a good sign!
Monday I ran 9 miles in my training for the half marathon that is coming up. I just had no idea I could run 9 miles in a row and though my legs are soar and it took me a long time I did it! Now it is on to bigger and better and then the race which for me will not be a race but an exercise in survival.
The only bad thing-- my computer was stolen. I have my suspicions but I have no idea what happened. It is in the police's hands and God's. I know that I won't see my computer again but I know God will redeem even this situation. The only thing that I really miss is my pictures that were not all backed up and I keep finding things that I use for work that were saved on that computer. I guess the only good part about it is that the computer was kind of on it's last legs so whoever stole it won't be happy!
B-Ball starts next week so I have to live up this week- my last week of "freedom" until March. It exhausts me but I love it!
Enough for now...

I fell down

2006-10-30T19:50:00.000-08:00

I went running today- my long run of the week. I was mentally ready to go the whole time without walking. I set out, no problem, I fought through the big hill and kept running. I got to about mile 2 came to a very busy 4 way stop, stepped wrong on the side of the curb and down I went. I was sprawled across the street, I popped up as fast as I could and just took off. I started laughing when I thought about the scene and I think my laughter kept me going for the rest of the run! Sometimes I wonder why I am such a spaz but then I realise that God definitely has a sense of humor!!

I Think I'm Magic

2006-10-15T18:33:00.000-07:00

This week definitely ended with a Friday the 13th feel but it started that way as well... Monday morning I was taking my coffee pot down the hall to clean it out, tripped on a chair and flung coffee everywhere, the order for paper towels had been misplaced so there were none in the school and I stole a HUGE pile of napkins in a lame attempt to clean my mess. Eventually I had to fess up (no hiding a huge stain in the middle of the office) and the janitor had to bring the big Zamboni thing down to clean the carpet- I have been told that I am only allowed water from now on.:(
Pretty much everything I tried and or did this week went the same- splat and made a mess! I did get some things out of my bad week however- God is there, even in my mess providing comfort (he kept me from crying at work several times this week!!), I got 2 new tires (you know there is more to that story), and I got a chance to just let go- sometimes when you are in trouble or things go wrong you finally realize that stressing about it does not change the situation, so by the end of the week I was breathing normally again!
I have figured out why I coach and why I teach- I think I might be magic!! I have about 50 girls of various ability playing basketball with me 2 days a week after school. They are all learning- you don't walk in my gym, right left up for a lay-up, the ball should spin back at you and be shot with one hand not two, etc. Each day I see improvement! I have one girl who is nice and tall and pretty solid- she isn't incredibly coordinated but she is very coachable! She was struggling with free throws and I went over to her, made a few small adjustments, asked her to do a few things and vwalla- she made 3 swishes in a row! She looked at me and said "how did you do that??" I wanted to reply- "I'm magic" but I gave the standard "I've been coaching for a lot of years now". It was great. The next day I did the same thing with another girl and again she asked "how did you do that?" they seem to think it is magic so I figure maybe I should go with that! ;) I went home thinking to myself that is why I put the time and effort and sweat and stress into this job- I love being able to make small adjustments in students to help them see success, sometimes it is getting them to stop cussing and staying out of trouble, sometimes it is getting them to come to school, sometimes it is getting them to line up the numbers right in a math problem, or giving a new way to remember something. It isn't magic but it sure feels that way when you see a child's demeanor change because they have finally seen success and then they want more!! I have no magic wand but I do have prayer and it works!!

Buy My House

2006-10-07T14:29:00.000-07:00

Here is my cute little house that is for sale in the Northwest part of Las Vegas. For 5% under all other houses in the neighborhood or area. $234,900 hard wood floors, new carpet, new dishwasher. There are several pictures so be sure to click on the picture to see the next ones!
[ http://welcomehomenevada.las.mlxchange.com/?r=1685813439 ]http://welcomehomenevada.las.mlxchange.com/?r=1685813439

Disturbing

2006-10-01T21:35:00.000-07:00

Well the house is on the market and so far= bupkiss! I am praying that the right buyer is out there and looking and that the right house is out there in Henderson and will be on the market and in my price range at exactly the right time. I know that God is in control!
I had such a disturbing experience last night- I was at the UNLV football game (as if the game wasn't disturbing enough...) with a bunch of friends. We did the whole tail gate thing which was a lot of fun and then we all got a bit lost in the game- people were in groups spread everywhere and we couldn't seem to hook up or even find each other. It wasn't a big deal because no one was alone. Somehow I ended up sitting right next to the Assistant Area Superintendant whom I will be wanting a job from in the next year if I do Leadership. I was being goofy and cheering for U of A because UNLV was getting their butts kicked by UNR and the game wasn't even fun to watch. I had to behave once the Super sat down!! The disturbing thing happened on the way out... we decided to leave early and were waiting while one person went to the bathroom and I saw a girl who I coached 5 years ago. I said Hi and she was laughing and yelling "Ms. Bageant, no don't look at me". At that point I noticed that she was in handcuffs. Her boyfriend was taking pictures of her yelling "that's my girlfriend everybody". I went over to ask her what happened but the police ringed up around her and basically wouldn't let me near her. The parking lot was so crowded when we were trying to leave that we started our tail gate all over again- I was completely out of it= I can't stand seeing my students and especially my b-ball girls make bad choices. I always want to think that I have a chance to make a difference in the kids lives, that they will have enough self respect that they will not make horrible choices, I pray for them so often and it is heart breaking when reality sets in and I have to face the fact that people make mistakes no matter what. God will take control and they will have to face Him some day but in the mean time I do what I do, I love kids, I teach discipline, I give them structure and I provide something they can count on.
I did get a chance to talk to Mo today- she is back in Vegas and it was so wonderful- I always feel that she hears me and supports me. I whined to her about my funk over my girl and over my job (bad situation with my supervisor) and she just listened and encouraged! It felt good!
Off to bed and then the start of a new week= basketball intramurals start this week so I am praying that I can head into it with a positive attitude and really have fun with the girls while teaching them the game and the discipline!

Changes

2006-09-25T20:52:00.000-07:00

There has been a wind of change in my life these days. New position at work- I am out of the classroom for the first time in 11 years and though I really miss the direct connection with the kids I am loving my new job as well. I am in charge of the English Language Learners- I get to monitor their placement, help provide support for their teachers, model lessons and all sorts of other things. I do a lot of sign language and acting things out- basically making a fool out of myself trying to communicate but I am loving it because I am good at it- the fool part that is! I am seeing the staff from a completely different perspective and not liking that so much- people that I really enjoyed working with before do some crazy things in their classrooms that I don't respect or understand. People warned me that being in the office would be different and they weren't joking! I am actually getting the chance to work very closely with some really incredible teachers and I feel like I am able to help some others to at least learn to deal with the non-English speakers but there are some that I truely think hate kids- what is that about, how can you do this job and not like or want the best for kids???!!!?!?!? I just don't get it- the vacations are great, the actual contract hours are great but teaching is hard, it is draining, it is thankless, you take it all home and worry night and day about the kids and what you are able to do for them. I LOVE IT or I just couldn't do it so I can't understand those that are there for a paycheck. God help them because I would think that damaging a child reaps some heavy consequence.
I had a crying mom in my office today telling me about her son who she thinks was molested by her husband- the child is severly depressed and isn't coming to school. I had this young man as a student 2 years ago and really enjoyed him, I gave the mom the best advice I could, tried to encourage her to seek professional help, got the counselor to come in and give her referrals for good counseling agencies, and I have prayed for them to be healed. The problem is that I also offered to go get the kid when he doesn't come to school- the mom agreed but when she left I found out that I am not able to do that- I should have known that i am not allowed to drive kids around (of course I am the taxi during b-ball season) but this is different. I should have known that I don't want to put myself in a position of being alone with a male student, I should have known so much but my need to help clouded my judgement. I now have to call the mom and tell her that there is basically nothing I can do to help her get her son to school- we don't do that is what I was told by the admins. It is hard for me to swallow- we are not able to do good things for kids because we are not able to save them from their lives, we fear law suits and accusations, we don't have the power to change the evil many of them go home to. Again I say God help these people because I think there are horrible consequences to damaging a child!!
Oops- I guess that was bugging me more than I realized- I forgot to go along with my theme of changes.
I am also putting my house up for sale at the end of this week. I have decided that it is about time to move to the other side of town where the majority of my life is conducted. I have a dream of opening my new house up for dinner once a week and inviting all of the people I hang out with from work. I am dreaming that God will transform a weekly dinner into a House Church of non-Christians and that they will come to know God and seek His will in their lives. I pray that I will get to be a part of that!
My sister and I are also training for the half marathon= running sucks but I am really trying to get my butt moving! I got an iPod armband for my birthday so that has helped- I need to find some more upbeat music though, I find myself skipping lots of songs I have on there because they are too mellow= makes me want to slow down or stop, well actually just the fact that I am running makes me want to slow down or stop. I have always done sports that required me to run but without a ball I find running rather hellish. Why the marathon then... because I can and it is good for me and because my friend Liz ran the whole thing last year and she looks great!! Weight loss potential is a great motivator!!
Whew- I'm exhausted, maybe this is why I don't update this thing very often!!

Oh the Places We Go...

2006-09-03T22:37:00.000-07:00

I am currently in Williams, AZ with friends from school. I am so blessed to have people that I can travel with that I love and enjoy and we all can travel and see the area without any pressure or conflict. We took the train to the Grand Canyon and I absolutely loved seeing it again and it just made me question how anyone in their right mind could ever see such beauty and still question the existence on God- it could not just be an accident!!!
We have had quite an experience here in Williams- we are in a great bed and breakfast but the manager is quite a character- he has added to the experience for sure but instead of being afraid I had to remind myself to pray for him and to see the future when he will know God and choose to follow him.
I love these people that I am with- such great friend, they take care of me and put up with me and many times I question that but then the Lord reminds me that He has given me so much, none of which should be taken for granted, and that I need to be thankful and content. I want my friends to know the Lord as their savior but I am not sure how to make that happen. then I realize that it isn't my responsibility- my job is to love and pray that I can love with God's wisdom and not my own.
This weekend has been so great since i just started a new job and I have no idea what I am doing- I am trying and I really am loving working with the kids in new ways. I am mourning not being in my classroom but I think if I can make a difference in another way it will be worth the change and the mourning.
There is an ebb and flow in my life when it comes to my singleness. Sometimes I am fine, others I am lonely and many times I am able to recognize my loniness but i understand the futility of being sad about it. i have to believe that I am where God wants me to be- He has me single for a reason and for that I am thankful. I am in a bottom spot of that ebb and flow and I am obsessing over one particular person and I am praying that God will take that infatuation away from me so I can move on. As always I am praying that i am able to just be thankful, thankful for all that I have which is A LOT and that I would stop worrying about what I want or think I should need.
Though I know I am a screw up= I know that I am always messing up life, messing up my witness to others, and I know that I talk too much, listen too little and feel arogant and ridiculous at school far too often.. Lord forgive me. I pray that you will now as you have always done, redeem me and the things I do!
Thanks be to God for all of your creation adn for showing me beauty when you know I need to see you!

Where am I at?

2006-04-28T22:31:00.000-07:00

I freaked out a few weeks ago about going to India- I have decided that the flood in my house could be a metaphor for my life. Everything has been overwhelmed and caused me to reevaluate where I am going and why I am doing certain things. I freaked in front of the team and finally allowed my feelings to be known- some of them even to me. I am just not sure- I can't decide if I am to go to India or stay and help others go. When I am alone and praying I don't hear a definite answer but I feel that I have been told- it is OK to be confused, it is OK to be unsure, and no matter whether I go or stay God is enough for me, He will protect me, He will love me, He will provide for me, and I am not strong enough to ruin His will in my life. I keep reminding myself of that- God is too strong for me to mess up His plans- I am asking for His will even if I don't do the greatest job of seeking it out, so He will guide me. I feel so much more at peace just having voiced my concerns, my doubt. I feel somewhat foolish and embarrassed that for so long I have been telling people that I am going to go off and do this great thing for God and now I am saying- well, maybe not, maybe I am going to stay here and still try to do the great thing for God in a different way. I have to understand that I can not go because I feel dumb or humbled, I can not go because I feel guilty, I can not go because I want to do the big and bold things for God- I have to go if I am called, I have to stay if I am called. So, here I sit for the bizzilionth time asking to know my calling.
I am a teacher, I love being a teacher, I love my students though I often make mistakes with them, I am impatient with them and I am not enough like Jesus for them but I love being a teacher, I feel that God has gifted me in that. I feel that God has gifted me to be a giver- I love to remember little things that people say in passing and have them come up again as a gift, I love to write cards and let people know that they are appreciated and being thought of, I love being able to encourage people in what they are doing and ask for the best out of them. These are gifts that fit so well in a sender role- I feel that I would be able to teach others about hte mission and I would be able to care for the team in ways some people wouldn't. Does that mean stay? Someone tonight told me that they weren't surprised that I was thinking about staying because to go would require me to trust God. I am hurt by that- I am trying to trust God as much as I know how- I get that I fail God constantly but I am trying. I have always been honest about my fears and how very difficult fund raising is for me- asking people for money is not something that I want to do but I do trust that if it is God's will for me to go then it is His will for others to send me- people would be willing to give. He will provide for what He has called. Is this whole thing a lack of faith? I sure hope not, I pray not. I don't hear God as clearly as many people seem to- I am not faithful enough to sit and listen as often as I should or to read as much as I should but I am trusting God with my life= I am sure that I hold on to way too much and that I need to continually surender, continually set at God's feet those things that I try to keep for myself or do for myself. I know that here or in India I will have this struggle because I am way too proud. Does that mean I should go just so I can say I am trusting the Lord or is it a bigger lesson that I have to learn- How do I trust God when I seem to be comfortable. I prayed more than I ever have when I went to India with my girls, I had to- I was in over my head and out of control. I had to lean on God because if not I would have flipped out and terrible things would have happened to all of us. I know that I need that kind of devotion here, everyday as I go to work and work with kids I should be just as dependent on God's protection and His leading, maybe this is the lesson that is most important for me in this season??!!
At house church Zack brought up the fact that staying here seems like the easy way out but God might have something really difficult in my future that will make going to India seem like the easy road-- in some ways that is how I feel- isn't it easy to be close to God when He is all you have, when just to wake up in the morning and know that you are giong to have to try and communicate with a world you don't understand and who doesn't understand you requires God's strength in your life? What about tomorrow when I wake up in my bed that I know, in my country that I know, in my culture that I know-- will it be easy for me to be close to God, to lean on Him to be my everything? That is my challenge- it may be my challenge for now until we go, or it may be my challenge for life!
I don't know if I am supposed to go or not but it is OK for me to say- not now, not until I know where God is leading. If that is a lack of faith then I pray for more faith!

Struggling

2006-03-22T20:16:00.000-08:00

I am having such a hard time lately thinking about going to India. I don't want to go, I want to fall in love, I want to get married, I want to become an administrator, I want to see a successful school program that I helped put together, I want to continue to build my relationships at work and church, I want to tell God no. What I want doesn't matter- I have to submit, I have to be willing to do whatever God asks of me even when I don't understand it. I know that God's best is the goal, I know that going for what I want isn't going to get me what I need. I don't know where the passion for missions has gone, I don't know why I can't get it back, I don't know what it was at the beginning that made me feel called to this team and this mission. The fact is that I did feel called and I am going to continue to pray to hear God's voice in the whole thing. Questioning is good but I have to continue to pray for the ability to hear God when I want to scream running in the other direction.

Sick

2006-03-13T19:53:00.000-08:00

I was home sick from work today-- I am wondering if Satan has something to do with my illness. I don't like to give him credit for anything but Apex was last night and I think it is very important that I am connected to the whole community and I was excited to go. I woke up in the middle of the night Sunday morning violently ill and just couldn't get over it. I prayed in Christ's name, against the devil, that the power of the Lord would take over and that His name would protect my house. Well, I didn't make it to Apex but I do think Jesus helped me out because the insurance check for my flooded house came today and I was able to send it next day mail to my mortgage company and hopefully they will send it back quickly since I am supposed to pay for and pick up my new flooring on Friday! God works all things for good- I hold onto that very tightly and I believe it with everything that is in me.
While I sat here feeling sorry for myself today my friend was at the doctors with her dad where she found out that his cancer is back. I am praying for their family-- as always in these situations I don't know what to pray because if God wants her dad then he will die but I pray for comfort, understanding, and for the family to see God's hand in the whole thing. I don't know why our loved ones have to suffer, I don't know why we have to stand by with nothing to do while our friends suffer, but I do know that God is in control and I trust Him to work all things for His glory!
On a happier note our boys basketball team is in the city tournament and the first game is tomorrow-- as always I have made spirit posters for them all and plan to get up early and hang them around campus! I love doing cool things for the kids!!

2006-03-05T21:54:00.000-08:00

I heard some terrible news on Friday night-- a friend of mine from college- an old boy friend died in a car accident a few weeks ago. He was a wonderful man of God, he was a Young Life leader and a youth pastor and had touched the lives of thousands of students and their parents in the years that he ministered. He was almost 40 and had just gotten married for the first time. Thousands of people went to his memorial service in Texas and there is a guest book on the obituary online that has been signed by hundreds talking about how David was used in their lives for the glory of God. I don't understand why God would take David now, why he would snatch him so hastily out of this world when he was truely serving God with his heart and life. I wonder was the enemy upset that he was serving God and making strides for the Kingdom? I don't think we die until God chooses- He is in control, I know that for sure but I wonder if the enemy had something to do with how? I pray over David's wife and all the students in his ministry that God will protect them from doubt, from anger, from the enemies lies. I pray that the name of Jesus is washed over them with such power that they can not question the whys but just trust in the author of life that the final chapter will be a great one.
Each member of our team that will be going overseas has had some sort of tragedy recently, car accidents, floods, illness, etc. It was mentioned today that maybe we are under attack and that the enemy (whom I rarely give enough credit to, or any credit at all for that matter) is not happy about what we are devoting our lives to. We need to call out the power of Christ, rebuke evil, and live in the glory of God every moment. I am scared but exhilerated at the same time-- if satan is unhappy then we are definitely getting ready for the right fight. We will produce fruit for God's Kingdom and satan wants to discourage that. Thankfully I already know how the story ends and God wins, I get to rest in that and rejoice in any part I play in the fight for His glory on this Earth!!
Another sad note, our friend John is leaving for the middle east for 3 months, leaving 3 kids and an adoring wife behind. We will miss him and pray for him often!
I am working hard to get this house back in order after the flood and I am super sore and I look like I have been beaten so I am off to bed with this weary body!

The Great Flood of 2006

2006-02-21T16:45:00.000-08:00

I have done it again--- as is typical in my life the unexpected has happened again! I put laundry in the washer, went to my room to clean and work on the computer and noticed some water in the bathroom. Hmm, not coming from the toilet, not coming from under the sink, I go out to the living room and freaked!! Everything flooded- a couple inches of water everywhere the eye can see! I turned the washer off and just stood there dumbfounded-- I got towels and tried to "sweep" it out the door, got the mop and that was ridiculous, finally settled on the Floor Mate until my roommate came home and we called the water extraction company.
Now there are 16 industrial fans, one dehumidifier, a noise level beyond reason and NO flooring in my house. We went to a hotel last night but I have cleared my bed for tonight.
The good part- I get new flooring after the disaster. I have lost some things but I guess I should be greatful for what I will gain!
God is working miracles in my life getting me ready for the mission field. I was prayed over last weekend and the people heard the exact words from God that I have been hearing-- very reasuring!
God is good and he always dries up the floods in our lives!

Decisions

2006-01-28T08:59:00.000-08:00

It is official-- we will be going to Northern India sometime in 2007! I am both excited and scared. I am now searching for language learning opportunities and praying about all of my insecurities and lack of faith.
It has been brought to light how very proud I am and how very afraid I am that God is going to teach me a tough lesson about my own pride. I need to be willing to go to India and just learn, let God work, allow God to strip me of myself and do what He will with my life and my relationships. I have a true problem with being idle-- I want to be productive, I want to make money-- I have to change my mindset and realise that support is payment for doing God's calling. I will be working but I will be working on language and culture and cultivating relationships. I will have to be the student and not the teacher. I am praying that if I surrender and do God's calling with humility He will return to me my chance to teach in the future. I am also praying that those people who feel led to support me will be blessed for following God's call in their lives as I truely do believe that is what it is.
Boy, some serious stuff going on in my head-- can I just go back to bed for a while??

Basketball and Life

2006-01-21T11:14:00.001-08:00

I am coaching basketball and this has been a rough season. We started off by getting our butts wiped across the court in the first 3 games, tied up the 4th and lost in OT, won the 5th, won the 6th, and lost the 7th by 2 points. For the first time ever in my coaching carreer of any get sport I am hoping the parents don't show up! Usually I am praying that the parents will pay attention to their children and support them, this year the parents and family who do come sit behind me and cuss me out because they don't like the decisions I make. Oh well, at least they are there watching their kids and I need to get a thicker skin!
The decision on the next 10 years of my life should be made this week- I should find out where I am going and then we can figure out what we are going to do and how we are going to do it. I am both nervous and excited! We set up a timeline a few weeks ago and we are now planning to leave in the summer of '07. Knowing that is helpful but it was also a hard realization that I really am going to be single- most likely for the next 10 years or for the rest of my life. I think I am OK with it but I am mourning what I have always wanted in my life that I will not have. I want God's best and I am confident that He will provide the emotional support that I need to choose His will and not my own. It is a daily struggle but the fact that there isn't anyone interested in me or that I am interested in makes the whole struggle ridiculous!
I have been hanging out with friends from work- all married and somehow they get all the flirtation, all the propositions, all the suggestive emails-- I am glad that I don't have to deal with it to be honest but I wonder what marriage is if they all seem to think that as long as nothing happens it is ok to keep up the appearances that something might. Is that honoring to the spouse even if they don't know?? I have to say that if I was married I wouldn't want my husband giving the impression that he might cheat on me to people who would want him to. Hmm-- am I just naive- maybe, am I just being judgmental-- maybe.
Off to do other things this weekend--

Christmas??!!!

2005-12-18T13:29:00.000-08:00

What, it's almost Christmas? I have my shopping done because that is my favorite thing ever-- shopping for others, but I have NO decoration up-- how sad-- I think I am the grinch in the neighborhood. I think, well maybe it is too late and I should just forget it this year but I have Mo coming to house sit and wouldn't she like some Christmas cheer?? So now that school is out, my schedule is clear other than church and b-ball practice I am going to tackle a fake tree and some plastic candy canes! The tree will have to go on the table this year because of the wild puppy but hey what is Christmas without a few broken ornaments and a bit of tackiness??
I can't wait to go home and spoil my nephews and my niece! I really love the chance to pray over them while they sleep-- there is something powerful in that and it really helps me to be encouraged about their future and what God has in store for them! I pray that I will see them in Heaven and that we will get to work together for God's glory in the future. I pray that for my family as well (the adults) but they would freak if they found me in their rooms at night!! ;)
I had a sad moment the other day where I almost cried in Starbucks-- I had been out with people from work to celebrate my principal's promotion and everyone else had to get home to family or spouse-- when asked what I was going to do-- "go home I guess". Being alone stinks sometimes!!
I'm off to Christmas up this place!

Has it been that long?

2005-11-17T22:51:00.000-08:00

I haven't written much lately- soo much going on, going out of town to visit friends or with friends, basketball starting- I am coaching again. I love my life- school is almost too easy this sememster but that is a good thing because I sold my prep hour and am busy as could be! I am reading and learning more and more about the realities of a life following Jesus- He will comfort when we mourn, he will be our foundation when storms hit, he will touch us in our uncleanliness-- all of this indicates a difficult life with great reward-- am I ready, am I willing, am I holding on to the hope that being a Christian is like a magic bean that makes life easier??? All good questions, ones I feel like I should have asked oh so long ago but perhaps now is the season when I am ready to face reality... I pray that is so, I feel that by shying away from the storm or trying to manipulate my way out of it I am missing the reward. Oh God please help me to let go of my comfort and reach out for yours!
I am continually praying about living what seems like an extraordinary life to some in another land but when you think about it our extraordinary life is just someone elses ordinary- I pray that someday it will be my ordinary if that is God's will!
Must go to bed- crazy 7th graders await me in the morning, not only that but tomorrow they will be armed with glue, cotton and scissors-- is this an extraordinary life?? To some!

Livin'

2005-10-23T13:51:00.000-07:00

Well Nick went home last week- haven't heard how he is doing but I thank God that it is possible for a child to have brain surgery and go home a week and a day later. What happens now is in God's hands. The dad won't tell us what is going on and he tried to prevent us from even visiting until the surgeon told him the staff at the school visiting was what was helping Nick to recover so quickly. It is a messed up situation.
Praying for Pakistan and the victims of the earthquake last night made me realise how selfish I am-- well just one more thing to help me realise how selfish I am. I feel so little emotion for things that don't happen to me or those I know- I hate that and hope that God will give me a true sense of passion for all people and for the plight of the world.
Going through Matthew with House Church is a good thing- I really enjoy just discussing Biblical passages and love that I have to read them over and over to have anything to add to the discussion- my mind works so fast that I am not able to express what I am learning-- I need to slow down and listen to God.
Still lonely, weekends are the worst. God has a plan and I want to wait for it- that is my montra!
School is my haven- this year is fantastic- great kids, small classes, fun schedule. I don't know if it will last after the semester change but boy am I going to take advantage now!!

I Got To See Jesus This Weekend

2005-10-03T23:46:00.000-07:00

One of my students who is mentally retarded has been diagnosed with a brain tumor, the parents are being sited for medical negligence, it is ugly. I spent the weekend visiting the boy and loving him and here is what I wrote when I got home on Sunday:
Once I allowed myself to process what I had been told about Nicholas I cried out to God angry, confused, frustrated, and helpless. I wanted to know how my loving Father, who loves Nicholas, could have put him in a family that wouldn’t choose to care for him the way he needed. I wanted to know that Nicholas will have a place in Heaven even though he may not know Jesus or understand what He did for him. Finally, I wanted to know how to get over my anger and judgment of the parents.
I sought answers from my church and was given some great things to think about: God is mourning with us, He wants the best for Nicholas, He didn’t force His will on the parents but rather granted them freewill, it was their choice not to care for Nicholas in his illness, his parents are made in God’s image and even though they have made damaging choices God still loves them, there will be accountability but revenge is the Lords. These are things I know about God but needed to hear through my anger
Then, my prayers to see Jesus in this whole mess were answered. I got to see Jesus in Tiffany when she sat by Nicholas’s side and showed him love by coloring with him, fighting for him, laughing with him and then handing him a “Buddy” to keep him company when he was alone. I saw Jesus in Gail as she humbly and lovingly messaged the cramps out of Nicholas’s legs and handed him a Tigger to sleep with. I saw Jesus in a nurse who was giving the parents the benefit of the doubt while asking questions of visitors that family should have been there to answer. I saw the love of Jesus in a room filled with toys, cards, and books that had been left by the many people who wanted Nicholas to feel less lonely. I saw Jesus in a friend who volunteered to keep Nicholas company even though he has never met the child. I saw Jesus in a bright and beaming smile on Nicholas’s face while he played with his new toys. And I saw the result of Jesus’ work when Nicholas’s father came in to spend the night with a boy who has been alone for so long.
The Bible says at least 4 times that God is the Father to the fatherless. He is the greatest Father we could ask for and His love outweighs all the pain of human suffering. I know that God could come to Earth again and hug and love Nicholas and heal him with a touch. I don’t think He will but I do think that He has graciously allowed us to be Jesus in the flesh to that boy, He could do it but He lets us love Nicholas for Him, He gives us the strength and desire to pick up the slack for the people who are unable to love Nicholas in the way he needs.
I feel very blessed to work with such amazing people and I am so very thankful to God that I get to see Him at work everyday in the best and worst of circumstances.

A Way Too Soft Lesson Learned

2005-09-22T22:46:00.000-07:00

X-Lax is bad. X-Lax is really bad when it kicks in on a school day!

Assasins

2005-09-17T23:40:00.000-07:00

I just got back from seeing "Assassins" with some friends from work- a fellow teacher was in it and much to my delight so was a person from Apex! Sean did a great job in the play though he played a super intense character. My friend from work did a fantastic job and it was fun to see that he could sing as well as act! Overall it was a great night and now I can pray God's at work in the life of my collegue through a fellow Apexer!

Better

2005-09-17T16:23:00.000-07:00

Things seem to be looking up. I am not sure what the funk is but there is still a cloud over my head.
I was appointed Department Chair yesterday- not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I guess it will look good on a resume but really does anyone overseas care what I do here? Oh well, I have the job so I will try and do it justice.
Open House at school was a success, of course it is the best kids whose parents show- that is why they are the best kids!! It is always nice to hear that students are learning and that they enjoy my class.
Survivor- finally started and it was great! I was totally psyched about the 2 they brought back and am in a pool at work where I drew Judd. I think he has some potential but when he got defensive and acted all huffy to Jeff I think he might have put himself in some trouble.
Going out- I have been out to dinner every night for 3 days with people from work- before open house, to celebrate someone's promotion, and tonight to go see a fellow teacher in a play. I need to start eating less, exercising more! But at least I have gotten some great food and had great company!
Missed my "highly qualified" tests this morning because I am a moron so I am hoping they let me reschedule since I already paid! If only I was responsible...
Off to the theater...

Just Bummed

2005-09-13T22:28:00.000-07:00

I just had an off day- I am feeling sorry for myself. I know that God loves me and wants the best for me and I am trying so hard to hold onto that. Somedays that is easy and days like today I just wish life would be done or easier. It didn't help that I felt like crap and then only 2 people from my church went to Perspectives- I was so excited to share that with them all, to share something that meant the world to me. I shouldn't take it personally and I want to trust that God called the people there who really needed to hear what the speaker had to say.
I am just full of bad crap today and pray that tomorrow is brighter and that I can stop looking only at myself and look to God's greater good in the world and in my life.

Obsessions

2005-09-12T22:07:00.000-07:00

I was playing a game the other day with a group of friends and the fact that I have an addictive personality came up. Someone asked me what types of things I get addicted to and I said card games on the computer. Well, that same someone lent me the 2nd and 3rd seasons of Alias and let me say I am WAY addicted! I have been up WAY too late every night for the last week watching episode after episode and I just want to know what happens! I am sitting here watching tonight and wondering how my body can handle the lack of sleep-- that concern doesn't make me turn it off mind you! Another great obsession- SURVIVOR- is coming up this week and we have Open House at school-- hmm, do my job or watch my show- it's a tough one!!

30's

2005-09-11T16:04:00.000-07:00

It is official, I can no longer say that I am anything but "in my 30's". How did I get this old- I feel very young, I act young, then I see high school and college kids and wonder- when did I get this old?
I can't seem to concentrate on anything this weekend and thus have gotten very little done-- what is going on in my brain?
I went out Friday with people from work and someone from our overseas team showed up- it was great! I love the people I work with- I am often shocked by them and feel incredibly nieve around them but it is a good feeling most of the time- there is so much in life that I just don't want to know! Sometimes I get sucked in but most of the time I just laugh and wonder what next, or hey I didn't want to know that about you!
Comedy night tonight-- I forgot to invite people until the last minute, I forgot it was this Sunday. I have some friends from work that came before but I think they are still out of town and won't be able to make it this time. Oh well, I am still hoping people show up so we can be a family that laughs together for a night!

Air Supply

2005-09-04T22:50:00.000-07:00

I went to see Air Supply tonight with a friend from work for her birthday. It was great- a blast from the past! I could remember all the boys I had a crush when each song was popular. The crowd was unexpectedly old and foreign-- I'm talking there must have been a seniors discount old. Those that weren't old were Asian. I don't know what I expected but that wasn't it. The concert was great and we had a good time!
Of course it made me want to be in love... that is a story without an end.

Titleless

2005-09-03T21:08:00.000-07:00

I just realized that I haven't been using this thing and I do read a few now and then and wonder- why haven't they written?
School started this week and it went very smoothly. My dog attacked my roommates dog and that was horrible. I got free tickets to a show on the strip that was amazing. One of our house church members is off for 3 months on a new adventure and will be missed. I got to see the people whom I stayed with in India and catch up with them and find out how everyone there is doing. My roommates company was bought out so they sold all of the furniture from the model homes and I got a new couch for $100. I found out that my roommate will be moving out at the end of the month because she is taking a nanny job that will allow her to go to school full time.
Now with all of this going on and more I just feel weird, empty, and as if I am disconnected from my own life. I examine the world around me and the disaster and distruction, the love and fun, the difficulty and the triumph and I just ask- God what's going on and am I strong enough to hold onto You when it gets worse? I think I should have more emotion about things than I do. I feel like there are some great things happening in my friends lives but they require change and they require me to lose good things in my life and I want to be happy, I want to be loving, I want to be supportive but I also want to scream-- STOP CHANGING ON ME! And then I realise that I am changing too- I am getting more used to the idea that I won't be here in a few years.
I wish those who have moved and those who are getting ready to the best and hope they know how much I love them!!

Back to work

2005-08-16T22:29:00.000-07:00

My goodness, what a day. I was babysitting for my friend's kids and setting up my classroom. I just can't believe the amount of work that goes into stapeling things on the wall! I am not sure if I am ready to go back and I am nervous about making the decision to coach or not coach basketball. I have to decide soon and it would be in the best interest of my overseas team to sacrifice this part of my job that I love. It is a huge sacrifice because basketball has been such a great ministry for me but I see where greater work is in the future and I must prepare. Ohh if I could just have the words to say, answers to give, and courage to sacrifice for the Lord the way I know I am asked to...
Today I also took on the kids at House Church. I say this because I often have a bad attitude about it because it is tough to get kids of various ages and discipline to work on anything for a sustained period. I usually get frustrated and lose my love for the kids in some small ways. Tonight however, I feel like God honored my willingness to suck it up and try to love them all. The kids were great, they all worked hard, they all had good things to say, and I think the older ones actually understood what the passage we read was trying to say. Uh, to be amused by playdough and puzzles for hours- if only life was still so simple!

Disneyland and teenagers

2005-08-04T11:04:00.000-07:00

I just spent two days in Disneyland with 2 teenage girls. God love my mother who used to take my sister and I on vacation alone often when my dad was working! The girls and I had a great time but really how much can one person scream on the Madahorn?
I was wondering while I walked around the park if I am going to be cut out for cross cultural living. I was struggling with close proximity the whole time we were in the park- one of the girls even commented on how I kept moving to get away from people. I know that other cultures do not have the personal space we have so that might be a really big struggle for me!
Yesterday on the 4+ hour drive home conversation seemed to focus on teen sex. I want to protect them from being used, I want them to know God's great gift of sex when it is in the confines that He set out for us. I talked about getting God's best in your life and they responded, "I know I can't wait until I am married but I will wait until I am 16, that way if I do get pregnant at least I can deal with it" WHAT?!??!?!?!?!?! I just kept telling them both all the way home (well until they fell asleep) that they are worth so much and they are loved whether guys like them or not! Their worth won't ever come from the guys who want to have sex with them or even from the guys who want to love them. As I write this I realize that these are things I struggle with also-- why is it so hard for us to know that our value is in being a child of God???
Well I must recover, do laundry and repack for the next mini vacation of summer '05!

2005-07-31T23:49:00.000-07:00

I just spent some time reading others' blogs and find it so interesting. I was interested enough to want to post some comments and consequently signed myself up!

I just finished teaching summer school to Special Ed elementary children and have a renewed sense of the urgency to love God's children. If there is anything in my life I can do to usher in the Kingdom of God I pray that I have the strength and wisdom to do it. I had some 4th and 5th grade students who were able to justify murder based on one person having "stepped up and disrespecting the other dude, he deserved to be shot for that". I also had a student who has been so badly damaged in his life that he mimicks sex on objects and others and is allowed a pillow and blanket for when he is anxious (4th grade, not Kindergarten). One student told me that he wanted to have 5 kids when he grew up just to be safe so that they could take care of each other when they got jumped. This is it folks- these kids have never seen love that is honest, love that is comforting, love that doesn't hurt, love that is forgiving. They have never seen Jesus face to face. I am praying for them and hope that one day they will know True Love.

I have also had some scarey blind dating experiences this summer. Let me just say that being single and over 30 sucks, not because I don't believe that God will provide for me but because everyone and their mother (or mother-in-law as the case may be) will try to set you up! I love the care behind people trying to set me up and I am honored that they would trust me with their friends and family but it is not a fun or easy thing to do! The first one was a disaster culminating in me calling Zach and laughing hysterically over the whole horrifying event! (It was late and I knew Zach would be up!) The second was fun, awkward, interesting. I am thankful because it gave me renewed hope in dating in general! He lives in California and has emailed me asking about my religious beliefs- something we didn't discuss while he was here. I am encouraged by the questions and think the discussions from this point on should be interesting!

I am so thankful to Jesus for my place in life where I get to love people who make me crazy only through His strength!

Until whenever,
Susie