Admin...

I had a goal of becoming a school administrator before I was 35 years old. Low and behold God granted me the job 2 days before my 35th birthday. I am very thankful that God's plans were in my heart. I worried when I didn't get a job for a while but I have faith that I am at the school I am supposed to be at. Turned out after getting turned down for 4 jobs I was the number one pick for the last two- that was an ego boost!
I shed my Cobra skin last Friday and traded it for the deep waters of the Shark Tank! It was so hard to leave the school and people that I love and have worked with for the last 7 years, they were incredibly generous and made me feel like I was moving away from home! I am really enjoying the new position though I still have to ask about a million questions a day- it is very strange going from being the person with all the answers to the one with all the questions. I pray for strength and a good memory- I feel awful not knowing anyone's name! It is fun dealing with kids differently and meeting their parents. I know it will not all be fun and games but for now I am just both thankful and exhausted!!

Back to reality

Well I am back from a week long conference in San Diego. It was an adventure in so many ways! Plans changed about 20 times before the trip even began and it ended with me riding alone with a colleague in my car instead of 4 of us in my bosses big Yukon. Though the drive was overwhelming I learned a lot- the person I drove with suffers from bi-polar disorder and though he takes meds he still struggles. His insecurities were so pronounced that it was like a mirror into my own. I realize that I need to just take life as it comes, the good, the bad, the ugly, whatever. My license plate says TSALLGD "It's all good" and that is what I must keep in my head- God makes all things good for those who love Him. While in SD I found out that I did not get the job I was hoping for. I had the guts to ask the principal what I could do to improve and he went to lunch with a few of us one day and was very honest. Basically I was too smiley and wasn't difinative enough with my answers- he said it looked like I was searching for the answer. He grilled me and gave me some really good advice so hopefully it will pay off soon. Of course my AP Dave said he called me out as the Joker which made me laugh because really he did! Oh well, I am a smiley person but I learned that I need more confidence- I shouldn't walk in hoping they pick me but I need to walk in knowing they will lose out if they don't pick me. I keep going back to God because I am confident that He will place me where I should be but it is hard not to feel like a complete loser! Sitting in 5 days of meetings with the people who didn't give me a job was a blow to the ego but I also had a chance to get to know other people who someday might give me a job!
San Diego is just beautiful and though I wanted to avoid a few people like the plague (sometimes too much togetherness is NOT a good thing) I still had a good time. Dave was wonderful and would not ditch me even though his family was there- they had a separate vacation and I was so thankful that I had someone that didn't annoy me to hang out with!
Reality starts tomorrow- back to work, I won't go in everyday but tomorrow is the beginning of the end of summer!

Crazy/ Lazy Summer

I am including a few photos from my 2 adventures this summer- one is of the "girls' cruise" that my sister organized and surprised me with a ticket for as a Christmas present. The other is my Intervarsity reunion with dear friends in Flagstaff over the 4th of July.

This summer has been quite interesting, I am the DIT- Dean In Training- for summer school and it is currently running so smoothly that the principal, office manager and myself play Settlers between attendance and the break. When people come to the door we all rush out of the conference room to help them and we rush to the phones when they ring. I refused to play this game for several years now though my friend Mo begged several times. I just knew that once I played it I wouldn't be able to get enough. This morning the principal had to leave campus for a meeting and then when he returned I had to leave campus to go for yet another interview. That meant no Settlers today. I have to say I felt OK about the interview (after I emailed an answer that I knew but forgot the voice) and it was a very good reason to have to forgo the game but the day just wasn't the same. Hopefully tomorrow will get us back on track!

I leave Sunday for another little excursion- this one to San Diego for the AVID conference. Though the coordinator meetings last year were excruciating I am totally looking forward to the trip. It is a great way to get to know other people in the district and from around the country and we always have a great time going out on the town at night! Last year three of us nearly killed a pedicab driver who was on the bike for the first time- he was very ambitious and thought, though he was about 40 lbs., that he could take all three of us up the hill to the Gas Lamp District. Dave had to jump off so the poor little guy didn't keel over! Needless to say we gave him a big tip!

I am so excited to hear from old friends and to know that others are coming back to Vegas!! Woo Hoo!

WOW

Oh my goodness, it has been almost a year since my last posting. Why? My computer was stolen and then I didn't get a new one until recently- I had my blog as a "favorite" and when that was gone so was my desire to write. It was a fun and BUSY school year, I successfully finished my second year as the ELL specialist at my school and I felt more competent this year though MANY things went wrong. I was given the chance to do a ton of leadership this year and I got to help with the master schedule, testing, and all manor of other things that will prepare me for the future. I also finished Leadership (required by our district in order to move into an administrative position) with a 97%. It was tough at times but I really loved the information and the people that I met through the process. I am currently applying for administrative positions and though I have heard from some big wig district people that my name is being thrown around I have yet to get a position. I realize that I am not a great interviewer, I end up babbling if I get nervous and then walk out wanting to kick myself! I am generally so confident when it comes to school but I am not as confident when talking about the Dean's office- I believe I have a general idea of how to handle things because I have volunteered in the Dean's office a lot but the details of it are going to be an on the spot education! I have gone to 3 interviews, one of which I knew I wouldn't get because they needed a person of color (my blond hair and green eyes weren't going to cut it!), I found out yesterday that I principal I greatly admire has a spot open so I will try and get an interview there but it is for a high school and it is even farther from my house. I know it is God's decision, where I go, when I go, if I go. I am struggling with that because not getting a job feels like failure, waiting on God's will puts me in my place and that is difficult. I am not close to God and that makes it all that much more difficult. I have not been to church in a LONG time. My house church broke up when everyone but 2 of us moved away and then my partner in church got married to someone who didn't want to do house church anymore. There are a few churches that I would like to try but of course they are on the other side of town and I can't decide if I can afford to do that. I want to go to a church that I can become a part of and living so far away will not help me to build relationships. I can't afford to live without fellowship so that will have to win out in the end! Going to a new church alone is also intimidating, satan must love that! I have recently gone on two great vacations that I will have to discuss at a later time... My brain is full, my heart is heavy and my hope is overwhelming- God is in control and I think I am ready to listen!!

Who's in charge and how do I trust them?

It has been a while since I have written. I have been busy thankfully, work started, the feet are getting better slowly, I went to San Diego for a week long conference, I have been helping my friend who's daughter has cancer, I have been trying to keep up with my friend who recently had a lung transplant, my house is still on the market, I got to watch a dear friend marry the love of his life, I got to visit with a dear friend during the wedding and I have made a vow with myself- if it is God's will I will be in shape, promoted and in a relationship by this time next year. It is a tall order, all of it- getting in shape would be the easy part if I was able to do much but I can't run for 6 months so I am having a tough time with that one!
I had a very difficult week at work, because of the conference we are all a week behind and it showed- nothing was done well, no one could answer questions for anyone, and we all felt incredibly unprepared when the new teachers showed up. Because of all the things I have volunteered for and love doing I was in charge of the new teachers and their welcome, though I was unprepared it seemed to go well and hopefully they are feeling good about the year. My principal is not only my boss but a friend and we had some very rough days, lots of arguing and hurt feelings. I realized and was called out on the fact that I don't trust her leadership, she answers my questions but I don't trust those answers, I question her and that makes her frustrated and angry. She likened me to a 5 year old who questions everything or a retarded person who will only trust certain people in certain areas. It was hurtful but true. There are reasons for my distrust but none that justify my defiance. Sherry called to check up on me on a particularly bad day and as soon as she asked how I was I bawled. I know I am going down a bad spiral and I am trying to get out of it.
What I have realized through prayer and a poignant sermon is that I am ultimately not trusting God to be in charge, He answers and I question those answers, he leads and I question and hesitate following. I work for CCSD, I work for CJHS, I work for a principal and a staff, I work most importantly for 1500 wonderful middle school students, but TRUELY I work for GOD! If I can submit to His leadership and stop questioning why I do get this or don't get that I will submit to the earthly authorities with more confidence. The sermon I heard said that "we can walk in dependance on God and live out of the overflow of who He is or we can walk in dependance on who we are and live out of the overflow of who we are." I can't stand my overflow- it is hurtful and selfish and damaged. I want to live in the overflow of love, grace and truth. My prayer for the week is that those I am with will be touched by the overflow of God that is flowing out of me.
Sherry thank you for listening to God- he knew I needed to talk! I did take some of your suggestions that I could and we'll see what we get. Love you!!!

Prayer Needed

I went to the hospital yesterday to visit our school librarian and friend, she just found out that her 3 year old daughter has cancer. While a few of us were there visiting the doctor came in to talk to them about how the surgery had gone. When we went back into the room she told us that the doctor gave her daughter a 45- 50% chance of survival after 7 months of chemo and radiation. The cancer started in her kidney and has made its way up to her neck. She had 5 miscarriages and then went through tons of fertility stuff in order to have her. Corinna only had 1/2 a uterus so it was a miracle that they had this little girl. Corinna is the most optimistic person I have ever met, she kept saying how her daughter was the miracle baby and how she beat the odds to get here and she would beat them again. She knows the power of prayer, she kept saying that prayer is proven and she wants us all to pray. I know God gave her Johnny Cherie because He knew she would be a testiment to His grace and I know that she was given to Corinna because God made Corinna so optimistic. If anyone reads this, please pray for them!!

"Freedom Writers"

Laid up on the couch I have watched A LOT of TV and movies- yesterday out of bordom I went through Pay Per View and got "Freedom Writers". It is a teacher movie and it was fantastic! My thoughts were of hopelessness- how do we make a difference for kids who grow up with all strikes against them? A very naive young teacher steps in and decides that she is going to win these kids for hope. It was so much like my life- not that I am that inspiring to all my students or that I have made that great of an impact but that going to work you hear, "these kids can't read that", "these kids won't do homework", "I am just babysitting these kids". I got the chance to do staff development this year and I flat out said that I didn't want to hear "these kids" anywhere on campus- they are "our kids" and until we believe in our kids they will succeed only to our expectations! Is it naive to believe that all kids can learn? NO!!! I think it takes some naive optimism to walk into a gang ridden neighborhood where cars are stolen, people are shot, and kids cuss you out for fun. Once you get past the exterior you see, they are just kids. They are insecure, moldable, seeking acceptance, and they do want to succeed! The movie showed something wonderful about teaching- it showed that you have to be willing to make a fool out of yourself, you try to relate but the fact is that you are the enemy in some ways because you are older and authority. That is a natural state of being. If you try for complete authority you lose them, if you try for friendship, you lose them. Teachers aren't meant to be "cool", they are meant to be trusted, they should be the ridiculous cheerleader in kids lives, they should call kids out when they aren't doing what they should, and they should expect more from the kids than any voices that tell them they can't. I think I am great at making a fool out of myself, I have fun with my kids, I teach in ways that most kids can learn but I need to work on setting higher expectations. I want my kids to pass, sometimes that means that I am too easy on them. A new summer project- pray for God to change my mindset so that I can create students who know they can do the hard things!