Struggling

I am having such a hard time lately thinking about going to India. I don't want to go, I want to fall in love, I want to get married, I want to become an administrator, I want to see a successful school program that I helped put together, I want to continue to build my relationships at work and church, I want to tell God no. What I want doesn't matter- I have to submit, I have to be willing to do whatever God asks of me even when I don't understand it. I know that God's best is the goal, I know that going for what I want isn't going to get me what I need. I don't know where the passion for missions has gone, I don't know why I can't get it back, I don't know what it was at the beginning that made me feel called to this team and this mission. The fact is that I did feel called and I am going to continue to pray to hear God's voice in the whole thing. Questioning is good but I have to continue to pray for the ability to hear God when I want to scream running in the other direction.

Sick

I was home sick from work today-- I am wondering if Satan has something to do with my illness. I don't like to give him credit for anything but Apex was last night and I think it is very important that I am connected to the whole community and I was excited to go. I woke up in the middle of the night Sunday morning violently ill and just couldn't get over it. I prayed in Christ's name, against the devil, that the power of the Lord would take over and that His name would protect my house. Well, I didn't make it to Apex but I do think Jesus helped me out because the insurance check for my flooded house came today and I was able to send it next day mail to my mortgage company and hopefully they will send it back quickly since I am supposed to pay for and pick up my new flooring on Friday! God works all things for good- I hold onto that very tightly and I believe it with everything that is in me.
While I sat here feeling sorry for myself today my friend was at the doctors with her dad where she found out that his cancer is back. I am praying for their family-- as always in these situations I don't know what to pray because if God wants her dad then he will die but I pray for comfort, understanding, and for the family to see God's hand in the whole thing. I don't know why our loved ones have to suffer, I don't know why we have to stand by with nothing to do while our friends suffer, but I do know that God is in control and I trust Him to work all things for His glory!
On a happier note our boys basketball team is in the city tournament and the first game is tomorrow-- as always I have made spirit posters for them all and plan to get up early and hang them around campus! I love doing cool things for the kids!!

I heard some terrible news on Friday night-- a friend of mine from college- an old boy friend died in a car accident a few weeks ago. He was a wonderful man of God, he was a Young Life leader and a youth pastor and had touched the lives of thousands of students and their parents in the years that he ministered. He was almost 40 and had just gotten married for the first time. Thousands of people went to his memorial service in Texas and there is a guest book on the obituary online that has been signed by hundreds talking about how David was used in their lives for the glory of God. I don't understand why God would take David now, why he would snatch him so hastily out of this world when he was truely serving God with his heart and life. I wonder was the enemy upset that he was serving God and making strides for the Kingdom? I don't think we die until God chooses- He is in control, I know that for sure but I wonder if the enemy had something to do with how? I pray over David's wife and all the students in his ministry that God will protect them from doubt, from anger, from the enemies lies. I pray that the name of Jesus is washed over them with such power that they can not question the whys but just trust in the author of life that the final chapter will be a great one.
Each member of our team that will be going overseas has had some sort of tragedy recently, car accidents, floods, illness, etc. It was mentioned today that maybe we are under attack and that the enemy (whom I rarely give enough credit to, or any credit at all for that matter) is not happy about what we are devoting our lives to. We need to call out the power of Christ, rebuke evil, and live in the glory of God every moment. I am scared but exhilerated at the same time-- if satan is unhappy then we are definitely getting ready for the right fight. We will produce fruit for God's Kingdom and satan wants to discourage that. Thankfully I already know how the story ends and God wins, I get to rest in that and rejoice in any part I play in the fight for His glory on this Earth!!
Another sad note, our friend John is leaving for the middle east for 3 months, leaving 3 kids and an adoring wife behind. We will miss him and pray for him often!
I am working hard to get this house back in order after the flood and I am super sore and I look like I have been beaten so I am off to bed with this weary body!