Friday, April 28, 2006

Where am I at?

I freaked out a few weeks ago about going to India- I have decided that the flood in my house could be a metaphor for my life. Everything has been overwhelmed and caused me to reevaluate where I am going and why I am doing certain things. I freaked in front of the team and finally allowed my feelings to be known- some of them even to me. I am just not sure- I can't decide if I am to go to India or stay and help others go. When I am alone and praying I don't hear a definite answer but I feel that I have been told- it is OK to be confused, it is OK to be unsure, and no matter whether I go or stay God is enough for me, He will protect me, He will love me, He will provide for me, and I am not strong enough to ruin His will in my life. I keep reminding myself of that- God is too strong for me to mess up His plans- I am asking for His will even if I don't do the greatest job of seeking it out, so He will guide me. I feel so much more at peace just having voiced my concerns, my doubt. I feel somewhat foolish and embarrassed that for so long I have been telling people that I am going to go off and do this great thing for God and now I am saying- well, maybe not, maybe I am going to stay here and still try to do the great thing for God in a different way. I have to understand that I can not go because I feel dumb or humbled, I can not go because I feel guilty, I can not go because I want to do the big and bold things for God- I have to go if I am called, I have to stay if I am called. So, here I sit for the bizzilionth time asking to know my calling.
I am a teacher, I love being a teacher, I love my students though I often make mistakes with them, I am impatient with them and I am not enough like Jesus for them but I love being a teacher, I feel that God has gifted me in that. I feel that God has gifted me to be a giver- I love to remember little things that people say in passing and have them come up again as a gift, I love to write cards and let people know that they are appreciated and being thought of, I love being able to encourage people in what they are doing and ask for the best out of them. These are gifts that fit so well in a sender role- I feel that I would be able to teach others about hte mission and I would be able to care for the team in ways some people wouldn't. Does that mean stay? Someone tonight told me that they weren't surprised that I was thinking about staying because to go would require me to trust God. I am hurt by that- I am trying to trust God as much as I know how- I get that I fail God constantly but I am trying. I have always been honest about my fears and how very difficult fund raising is for me- asking people for money is not something that I want to do but I do trust that if it is God's will for me to go then it is His will for others to send me- people would be willing to give. He will provide for what He has called. Is this whole thing a lack of faith? I sure hope not, I pray not. I don't hear God as clearly as many people seem to- I am not faithful enough to sit and listen as often as I should or to read as much as I should but I am trusting God with my life= I am sure that I hold on to way too much and that I need to continually surender, continually set at God's feet those things that I try to keep for myself or do for myself. I know that here or in India I will have this struggle because I am way too proud. Does that mean I should go just so I can say I am trusting the Lord or is it a bigger lesson that I have to learn- How do I trust God when I seem to be comfortable. I prayed more than I ever have when I went to India with my girls, I had to- I was in over my head and out of control. I had to lean on God because if not I would have flipped out and terrible things would have happened to all of us. I know that I need that kind of devotion here, everyday as I go to work and work with kids I should be just as dependent on God's protection and His leading, maybe this is the lesson that is most important for me in this season??!!
At house church Zack brought up the fact that staying here seems like the easy way out but God might have something really difficult in my future that will make going to India seem like the easy road-- in some ways that is how I feel- isn't it easy to be close to God when He is all you have, when just to wake up in the morning and know that you are giong to have to try and communicate with a world you don't understand and who doesn't understand you requires God's strength in your life? What about tomorrow when I wake up in my bed that I know, in my country that I know, in my culture that I know-- will it be easy for me to be close to God, to lean on Him to be my everything? That is my challenge- it may be my challenge for now until we go, or it may be my challenge for life!
I don't know if I am supposed to go or not but it is OK for me to say- not now, not until I know where God is leading. If that is a lack of faith then I pray for more faith!


Sherry said...

We are all lacking in faith to some degree!But God loves us all the more for it! Just look at what's happening... you are given an opportunity to do something totally different in your life with your GIFTS that you ALREADY HAVE, that YOU ARE ALREADY DOING HIS WILL with. In this opportunity you are given the chance to grow more, but you have already grown more! And you haven't even gone anywhere! Isn't God just so awesome! So do you see? Even if you decide to change your mind (which you have the right to do!) you have already fulfilled God's mission!

Mo said...

Susie, I'm so glad that we've been able to talk openly about this. I'm sorry that I don't always articulate what I'm feeling and for any pain that that might have caused. I think whatever path you choose, it will require an enormous amount of trust in God - one is not great than the other. Of course, I would love to have you on the field with me (that will never change), but I can't think of a better person to be stoking the flames on the home front either. Having you on the team (as either a goer or a sender) is a huge blessing and I'm thankful for whichever one God calls you to.

Love ya,