Sunday, August 19, 2007

Who's in charge and how do I trust them?

It has been a while since I have written. I have been busy thankfully, work started, the feet are getting better slowly, I went to San Diego for a week long conference, I have been helping my friend who's daughter has cancer, I have been trying to keep up with my friend who recently had a lung transplant, my house is still on the market, I got to watch a dear friend marry the love of his life, I got to visit with a dear friend during the wedding and I have made a vow with myself- if it is God's will I will be in shape, promoted and in a relationship by this time next year. It is a tall order, all of it- getting in shape would be the easy part if I was able to do much but I can't run for 6 months so I am having a tough time with that one!
I had a very difficult week at work, because of the conference we are all a week behind and it showed- nothing was done well, no one could answer questions for anyone, and we all felt incredibly unprepared when the new teachers showed up. Because of all the things I have volunteered for and love doing I was in charge of the new teachers and their welcome, though I was unprepared it seemed to go well and hopefully they are feeling good about the year. My principal is not only my boss but a friend and we had some very rough days, lots of arguing and hurt feelings. I realized and was called out on the fact that I don't trust her leadership, she answers my questions but I don't trust those answers, I question her and that makes her frustrated and angry. She likened me to a 5 year old who questions everything or a retarded person who will only trust certain people in certain areas. It was hurtful but true. There are reasons for my distrust but none that justify my defiance. Sherry called to check up on me on a particularly bad day and as soon as she asked how I was I bawled. I know I am going down a bad spiral and I am trying to get out of it.
What I have realized through prayer and a poignant sermon is that I am ultimately not trusting God to be in charge, He answers and I question those answers, he leads and I question and hesitate following. I work for CCSD, I work for CJHS, I work for a principal and a staff, I work most importantly for 1500 wonderful middle school students, but TRUELY I work for GOD! If I can submit to His leadership and stop questioning why I do get this or don't get that I will submit to the earthly authorities with more confidence. The sermon I heard said that "we can walk in dependance on God and live out of the overflow of who He is or we can walk in dependance on who we are and live out of the overflow of who we are." I can't stand my overflow- it is hurtful and selfish and damaged. I want to live in the overflow of love, grace and truth. My prayer for the week is that those I am with will be touched by the overflow of God that is flowing out of me.
Sherry thank you for listening to God- he knew I needed to talk! I did take some of your suggestions that I could and we'll see what we get. Love you!!!

1 comment:

moandrieu said...

Susie, I miss you!!!