Who's in charge and how do I trust them?

It has been a while since I have written. I have been busy thankfully, work started, the feet are getting better slowly, I went to San Diego for a week long conference, I have been helping my friend who's daughter has cancer, I have been trying to keep up with my friend who recently had a lung transplant, my house is still on the market, I got to watch a dear friend marry the love of his life, I got to visit with a dear friend during the wedding and I have made a vow with myself- if it is God's will I will be in shape, promoted and in a relationship by this time next year. It is a tall order, all of it- getting in shape would be the easy part if I was able to do much but I can't run for 6 months so I am having a tough time with that one!
I had a very difficult week at work, because of the conference we are all a week behind and it showed- nothing was done well, no one could answer questions for anyone, and we all felt incredibly unprepared when the new teachers showed up. Because of all the things I have volunteered for and love doing I was in charge of the new teachers and their welcome, though I was unprepared it seemed to go well and hopefully they are feeling good about the year. My principal is not only my boss but a friend and we had some very rough days, lots of arguing and hurt feelings. I realized and was called out on the fact that I don't trust her leadership, she answers my questions but I don't trust those answers, I question her and that makes her frustrated and angry. She likened me to a 5 year old who questions everything or a retarded person who will only trust certain people in certain areas. It was hurtful but true. There are reasons for my distrust but none that justify my defiance. Sherry called to check up on me on a particularly bad day and as soon as she asked how I was I bawled. I know I am going down a bad spiral and I am trying to get out of it.
What I have realized through prayer and a poignant sermon is that I am ultimately not trusting God to be in charge, He answers and I question those answers, he leads and I question and hesitate following. I work for CCSD, I work for CJHS, I work for a principal and a staff, I work most importantly for 1500 wonderful middle school students, but TRUELY I work for GOD! If I can submit to His leadership and stop questioning why I do get this or don't get that I will submit to the earthly authorities with more confidence. The sermon I heard said that "we can walk in dependance on God and live out of the overflow of who He is or we can walk in dependance on who we are and live out of the overflow of who we are." I can't stand my overflow- it is hurtful and selfish and damaged. I want to live in the overflow of love, grace and truth. My prayer for the week is that those I am with will be touched by the overflow of God that is flowing out of me.
Sherry thank you for listening to God- he knew I needed to talk! I did take some of your suggestions that I could and we'll see what we get. Love you!!!

Prayer Needed

I went to the hospital yesterday to visit our school librarian and friend, she just found out that her 3 year old daughter has cancer. While a few of us were there visiting the doctor came in to talk to them about how the surgery had gone. When we went back into the room she told us that the doctor gave her daughter a 45- 50% chance of survival after 7 months of chemo and radiation. The cancer started in her kidney and has made its way up to her neck. She had 5 miscarriages and then went through tons of fertility stuff in order to have her. Corinna only had 1/2 a uterus so it was a miracle that they had this little girl. Corinna is the most optimistic person I have ever met, she kept saying how her daughter was the miracle baby and how she beat the odds to get here and she would beat them again. She knows the power of prayer, she kept saying that prayer is proven and she wants us all to pray. I know God gave her Johnny Cherie because He knew she would be a testiment to His grace and I know that she was given to Corinna because God made Corinna so optimistic. If anyone reads this, please pray for them!!

"Freedom Writers"

Laid up on the couch I have watched A LOT of TV and movies- yesterday out of bordom I went through Pay Per View and got "Freedom Writers". It is a teacher movie and it was fantastic! My thoughts were of hopelessness- how do we make a difference for kids who grow up with all strikes against them? A very naive young teacher steps in and decides that she is going to win these kids for hope. It was so much like my life- not that I am that inspiring to all my students or that I have made that great of an impact but that going to work you hear, "these kids can't read that", "these kids won't do homework", "I am just babysitting these kids". I got the chance to do staff development this year and I flat out said that I didn't want to hear "these kids" anywhere on campus- they are "our kids" and until we believe in our kids they will succeed only to our expectations! Is it naive to believe that all kids can learn? NO!!! I think it takes some naive optimism to walk into a gang ridden neighborhood where cars are stolen, people are shot, and kids cuss you out for fun. Once you get past the exterior you see, they are just kids. They are insecure, moldable, seeking acceptance, and they do want to succeed! The movie showed something wonderful about teaching- it showed that you have to be willing to make a fool out of yourself, you try to relate but the fact is that you are the enemy in some ways because you are older and authority. That is a natural state of being. If you try for complete authority you lose them, if you try for friendship, you lose them. Teachers aren't meant to be "cool", they are meant to be trusted, they should be the ridiculous cheerleader in kids lives, they should call kids out when they aren't doing what they should, and they should expect more from the kids than any voices that tell them they can't. I think I am great at making a fool out of myself, I have fun with my kids, I teach in ways that most kids can learn but I need to work on setting higher expectations. I want my kids to pass, sometimes that means that I am too easy on them. A new summer project- pray for God to change my mindset so that I can create students who know they can do the hard things!

Hoof Surgery

I had my bunions removed on Monday. I have been staying with friends who have taken great care of me and now I miss them. I had a friend spend the night last night and that was wonderful but today I am alone with my feet up and BORED! Hard to believe how much I want to at least clean when I can't. I am so thankful for God's provisions for me- he has given me great supportive friends and co-workers, he gave me meaningful conversations with them while they visited and cared for me and He has given me a life that permits me to heal with my feet up! Stitches come out on Wed. and I think I can drive a few days after that though at first they said not for a month- I won't make it that long!!
Got a beautiful and fun wedding invitation in the mail today- I am so excited! It is so fun to see my friends start the life together that God has orchestrated for them, especially since I got to watch God work in them both to bring them to this point! Should be a very blessed day- I just hope I can find a date- one who won't be embarrassed of my booties since I will still have to wear them! ;) I guess I'll go alone like usual... plah!
I am off to hobble and get ice. I have been reading a lot of Jonah lately- several times and I get something new each time- I will have to write more about that later. I also have some news about work that I need to process, again that will come later...

Disturbing Discussion

I was at a bbq last weekend and was talking to some 20 something kids. They were spouting off about liking the Bible the way they like Spiderman, since they said they were both fiction. They talked about how Jesus was like a Super Hero who had been given powers that He couldn't have had when His story was told. I kept my mouth shut and listened. There was so much pain and anger behind their jokes. All I could think was that some day they would see the power of God in their lives and I prayed that they would see the truth before their deaths. I didn't argue, I didn't dispute because I know I can't argue someone into Heaven and I know that God will speak, I pray it is through my life and not so much through my words unless God has given them to me to say. To me it feels like growth and I am thankful.
It is hard to be humble about knowing the truth when others do not, I felt completely superior to those kids because I know God-- it wasn't a superiority that you would hold over anyone but a superiority that you would like to share. I think that is an oxymoron but I think I am often one myself!

Gotta Love the Mac

We have a program called Photo Booth and I have been using it to make a slide show for the end of the year. I giggle every time I look at it!

Honor

I just found out that I recieved the Southeast Region Distinguished Educator of the Year for my school for the second time in 6 years. I was all misty eyed while reading the letter because it is fantastic to be recognized and I work with such amazing people it is a huge honor to be chosen. Last time we went to the vocational school for a luncheon and I got a certificate from the district and one from the Senator. This time the lunch is at a country club and there is a new Superintendant so it should be interesting to see if things are different. In the past they shared a little bit about each person who was chosen and it was so humbling to think that I was among such amazing educators!
I thought how wonderful it was that I was just reflecting on how blessed I am in my job and how much God has given me through it and then wham- even more!! I could not be more thankful!

On a different note I just finished watching "The Heart of the Game". It is a great documentary on a high school basketball team in Washington state and one of it's players. She was destined for the WNBA but because of her choices in life and possibly her upbringing her life turned out differently. I am totally going to show it to my girls- they need to see the effect their choices can have and the ways to overcome mistakes! I recommend it!!

Stuff

Just a quick update-- If I haven't said this before, I will say it now- I love my job! I have so much fun all day with the staff and students- it is a HUGE blessing and I am so thankful! Basketball ended with the annual Students vs Staff game where the staff won of course! We play 2 quarters women and 2 men with a cummulative score. I had 8 points but I won't mention how many shots i had to take to get those!!! With only 3 women who have played ball before we struggle and rely heavily on the men. Mostly I ran down the court coaching the girls because I couldn't help myself and giggling at the women! I have now moved on to soccer which is just intramurals so everyone plays and it is HILLARIOUS! I had 32 hispanic boys on the field today and me. They make me laugh so much that I can't catch up to them to get the ball! It is a group of kids that are not involved in anything else at the school and many are often in trouble but on the field they are just fun!
Mo has moved in with me for a month while she gets ready to leave for some training in Pennsylvania and then off to India again. She lived with me right before she went to India the first time so it has been really fun to have her back this time as well. She is really good for me and often brings me back to reality with some challenging questions. I am definitely going to have to make a huge effort to keep in consistent communication with her when she is gone and as most people know I am terrible at that!!
I have taken my house off the market for a few weeks and redid the back yard. I am soar and bruised and scraped but the yard looks good. I was feeling way to masqueline though I know yardwork doesn't have a gender- maybe it was the ton of rocks and wheel barrow! So today I went and got a pedicure and a full set of fake nails. Typing is much harder! :o)
I spent Spring Break in Prescott, AZ with 9 friends and loved every minute of it!
I am crazy busy everyday at work and have had kids crying in my office the last two days because the counselors weren't available--ahhh! I told the counselors they are no longer allowed to be unavailable because I just end up crying with the kids!
God is teaching me a lot about myself in relation to Him- some of the lessons are very painful and much of what happens in my life or doesn't happen is very confusing and frustrating but I know God is there, I know He has a plan and I know absolutely that I have a TON to be thankful for. I am very blessed!

New Wheels and College Memories

Here's the new car- I LOVE IT! I hate the gas bill and I am sure I will hate the payments when they start but I love driving this car!

Our 7th grade students have all been awarded a grant for a $10,000 scholarship to any post high school education if they graduate with their class with a 2.0. I am co-chair of the grant and we are doing a school wide college pride unit in hopes of getting some buzz about going to school. Each teacher has decorated their doors in honor of the college they graduated from. I have both student store and my office decorated. My student store kids are all able to sing "Bear Down Arizona" though they hate it when I start! ;o) It has brought back some great memories of college, InterVarsity, and my journey to adulthood!

My dad was in town for a golf week with a friend of his and they got to meet a bunch of my friends. My friends did a little impromtu tribute to me which was embarassing but so flattering and so wonderful to know that I am loved so much both by my original family and my Las Vegas family! My dad was very flattered as well and kept saying that he wished my mom could have heard it. Dad and Bill came to my b-ball game as well which if you know me, you know that is so meaningful to me. I know that middle school b-ball isn't that fun to watch if you don't have a vested interest but it is a huge part of my life and I love that my dad recognized that and honored it by coming to watch.

I have yet another person trying to set me up- someone from work has a "great guy" that she wants me to meet- we'll see, I just hope that it is either fun and funny or not at all noteworthy- I am tired of having terrible stories to tell after these things!!

Selfish

I have done it-- my car was having some issues and I decided that when it was time to get a new one I would get what I really wanted. And- I DID!! I feel conflicted about it because it feels so incredibly selfish but at the same time I am working for it and as ridiculous as this is- I can't stop smiling! I got home from the dealer late last night and I woke up at 5am and went for a drive! I don't have kids or a husband and I work hard for what I have so I now have a sports car that makes me smile. I have been praying that God is OK with my decision and I prayed for Him to stop me if I was making a mistake- I don't know if I would have listened but I know He is more powerful than my desires.
The very cool thing- other than my beautiful car, is that a lady from work helped me- she used to be a car dealer so she negotiated the deal-- it was awesome! Not just that but it was so great to see her outside of work and get to know her and really have the chance to appreciate her life experience and her perspective. I kept thanking her and she just said, "you do so much for our students and I have no problem helping someone that works that hard". How wonderful is that attitude!! I am going to use this as yet another example of gracious service and try to emulate it in my own life.
OK, I am off to go for a drive! ;)

What's next...

A friend of mine at work has started to go to church at Central. She is enjoying it and for the first time she is seeing that our students really need something to believe in. I don't know exactly where her relationship with Christ stands but the fact that she wants others to know Him and the fact that she sees the incredible power in believing in Him is a great sign! She approached me the other day about starting something at school for our kids, some religious group where the kids can come and find meaning for their lives, where they can have purpose. My initial reaction is-- ahhh I am swamped as it is and i am losing important friendships because I don't have time to keep up. Upon some reflection however I see that I can not just say no- I have to pray, I have to search and if nothing else I have to find out who else could be a part of this. Maybe God has taken away my House Church except for one member because I am supposed to start something new at school. Maybe I don't have to be the pinacle but I can be a part-- I can show the people at work that God's love really is enough, I can show the students that they are not alone and they are loved deeply and known completely, I can battle against the gangs, drugs and neglect with the only answer- Jesus. Hhhmmm maybe out of pain and confusion I will find redemption- isn't that the way of our Lord? He takes things away and grows us and then gives us something new that is better for us at the time. I still don't feel lead to leave house church- to leave Zack and the kids- so I will treasure every lesson God teaches us together, I will treasure his prayers, his encouragement and his knowing me. I will treasure his loyalty to God and to me. If God tells us both it is time to move on I pray we have the strength to do that but for now I will treasure what God has kept together!
On a different note I got to go to the NBA Rookie Challenge with 190 kids from school, what a BLAST! I don't really like pro sports- I far prefer college ball but I will say they put on a great show, they kept the kids excited, and we saw some phenominal ball! My players were invited to go and it was so fun to watch their reactions to the slam dunks and famous singers and famous players. They gave us a bunch of freebies and of course I bought some other things- we are going to put a display in the cafeteria to commemorate the event-- I am very excited!
The house is still on the market and not moving, which means that I am not moving. Oh well- God's timing.
I have been spending some time in prayer for my friends in Iraq and their families- I think about them often and can't imagine the burden of being on either side of the situation. Be blessed my friends- I may not take the time to call but know that I still pray!
I've been sick for a few days but I think I finally kicked my fever- that is a good sign but sadly I missed the Sending Team meeting for India-- I had to miss Apex for that meeting and then I had to miss that meeting because of illness- makes me feel bad but it isn't in my control.
Hopefully I will not follow my M.O. of only writing once a month but who knows- if not... see you next month!

Deleted

I had to delete my last post- I had a terrible weekend, I got depressed and let that selfishness win. I spent some time repenting for doubting God, for blaming God, for feeling that God had abandonded me when that isn't what i know of Him. Thanks to some wonderful encouragement (thanks Gayla and Sherry!) I know that I am where I should be- I don't have to like it and I am honest about that but I have to know that God is there, even when I can't see Him or feel Him.
Starting again... I don't understand why people don't stay at our church but I understand that God is at work. I don't understand why I am alone but I do understand that God is all I need. I don't understand why I am still living on this side of town but I do understand that God has a plan for my future and if I am patient and lean on Him I will get His best!