End of the Spear

We watched "End of the Spear" at housechurch last night. I had seen it in the theater with some friends from work. It is the story of some missionaries who worked to befriend and share God's love with one of the most violent people groups on Earth. I had read the stories of Jim Elliot and his friends when I was in college so I was thrilled when they made a movie about it- the movie tells the rest of the story and it is great!! I had such fun talking to my friends when we left the theater, hearing their non-Christian opinions of what these people did. One of my favorite quotes came from Jim Elliott-- "He is no fool who gives what he can not keep to gain what he can not lose."
It is a marvelous reminder of what Christmas day really did for the world- how one little baby boy changed and is changing lives forever. We are so lucky to be able to celebrate the birth of our Lord, to know that He came, He loved and He saved. He lives now in our lives, in our hearts and in our relationships.
I am so thankful that I go to church with friends who will watch movies with me and discuss them after and we know without a doubt that God is there with us!
Merry Christmas everyone, enjoy the celebration- it is much deserved!!

Made It

I did it- "I ran the Strip" plus another 7.1 miles!! My poor sister flew into town to run the 1/2 Marathon with me and was so sick with the stomach flu that she didn't get to run. I felt awful for her! I have to say, I still don't like running but I was really excited to be able to say that I finished even faster than I had hoped for! I am very consistant at 12 minute miles so I figured with a little walking here and there I could make it in 2 hours and 45 minutes. I actually finished in 2 hours and 33 minutes!! I bought a Christmas ornament that says "13.1 miles and still smiling" and I will say that though my legs were sore I did cross the finish line smiling!
I also made it through to Christmas break- I am exhausted as always but in different ways this year. I have so much more responsibility this year but so much less structure it is hard to budget my time and motivate myself at times. I have misplaced a very important document and will have to own up to it when I return in January which will probably result in being written up. I don't feel that upset about it because I figure that even in this, a huge mistake that I have made, God is with me. There will be consequences that won't be pleasant but at least I know that through it all God is with me.
I made it through basketball try-outs where I was told I had to speak to each girl individually about why they did or didn't make the team- it was awful! They cried, I felt like an idiot, but in the end I have a team I am excited to work with. We are going to be very young, and very raw this year but I know we are going to see a lot of improvement. I almost forgot how much b-ball takes out of me until Friday when my friends were waiting for me at Claim Jumpers and I was at school waiting for girls to get picked up by parents who forgot them and then had to play taxi to 3 others!! AAHHH!!!
I feel sort of lost in space these days- God is there, He is prodding me, but I somehow just feel indifferent. Indifferent and disconnected. I love House Church but I can't go to Apex again due to the Sender Team meeting for India. I am the leader of the sending team which is totally exciting but right now just feels oppressive with all the other things I am doing and because I am lost. I have carved out some significant time to spend with the Lord and I am looking forward to being found!
I am sitting in a house that I love but can't wait to sell and once again feeling sorry for myself for being in this house alone on a Saturday night. Life... it really doesn't change much but it moves so quickly I just can't catch up to the time when I feel better about what God is doing with me!
Reading Isaiah I keep seeing how God has offered redemption over and over. This Christmas I will remember that my Lord, the Lord who redeems the world once and for all was born. Halleluiah!!

9 Miles

Life has been crazy- it is that time of year when I have said yes to so much that I am buried and loving it! I have recently gone to Duck Creek, Utah with friends and it was GREAT although at one point I was laughing so hard I farted and humiliated myself! I am not sure I have ever before laughed for 3 days straight but I have now! The following week I went to Denver to visit some schools that are implementing the AVID program that we want to start at our school. I weasled my way in and now I am really hoping that they will let me be the AVID Coordinator at the school. It will mean putting off going into Leadership and moving up the food chain but it is great for kids and I really want to be a part of what is great for our kids!! The trip was again filled with a lot of laughter, some crazy driving, and certainly getting to know my colleagues in different ways-- my Mormon Assistant Principal was mad at me when we were lost trying to get back to the hotel and he was searching the map and yelled out "Oh Hades!" Of course that just mad me laugh all the more! Then for Thanksgiving I got to go to Tucson to visit my great friends Barb and Michell and see their new house. It was wonderful- I got to see some people who I don't often communicate with but I really love and miss in my life!
The house is still on the market and tonight someone came to look at it and seemed rather impressed so that is a good sign!
Monday I ran 9 miles in my training for the half marathon that is coming up. I just had no idea I could run 9 miles in a row and though my legs are soar and it took me a long time I did it! Now it is on to bigger and better and then the race which for me will not be a race but an exercise in survival.
The only bad thing-- my computer was stolen. I have my suspicions but I have no idea what happened. It is in the police's hands and God's. I know that I won't see my computer again but I know God will redeem even this situation. The only thing that I really miss is my pictures that were not all backed up and I keep finding things that I use for work that were saved on that computer. I guess the only good part about it is that the computer was kind of on it's last legs so whoever stole it won't be happy!
B-Ball starts next week so I have to live up this week- my last week of "freedom" until March. It exhausts me but I love it!
Enough for now...

I fell down

I went running today- my long run of the week. I was mentally ready to go the whole time without walking. I set out, no problem, I fought through the big hill and kept running. I got to about mile 2 came to a very busy 4 way stop, stepped wrong on the side of the curb and down I went. I was sprawled across the street, I popped up as fast as I could and just took off. I started laughing when I thought about the scene and I think my laughter kept me going for the rest of the run! Sometimes I wonder why I am such a spaz but then I realise that God definitely has a sense of humor!!

I Think I'm Magic

This week definitely ended with a Friday the 13th feel but it started that way as well... Monday morning I was taking my coffee pot down the hall to clean it out, tripped on a chair and flung coffee everywhere, the order for paper towels had been misplaced so there were none in the school and I stole a HUGE pile of napkins in a lame attempt to clean my mess. Eventually I had to fess up (no hiding a huge stain in the middle of the office) and the janitor had to bring the big Zamboni thing down to clean the carpet- I have been told that I am only allowed water from now on.:(
Pretty much everything I tried and or did this week went the same- splat and made a mess! I did get some things out of my bad week however- God is there, even in my mess providing comfort (he kept me from crying at work several times this week!!), I got 2 new tires (you know there is more to that story), and I got a chance to just let go- sometimes when you are in trouble or things go wrong you finally realize that stressing about it does not change the situation, so by the end of the week I was breathing normally again!
I have figured out why I coach and why I teach- I think I might be magic!! I have about 50 girls of various ability playing basketball with me 2 days a week after school. They are all learning- you don't walk in my gym, right left up for a lay-up, the ball should spin back at you and be shot with one hand not two, etc. Each day I see improvement! I have one girl who is nice and tall and pretty solid- she isn't incredibly coordinated but she is very coachable! She was struggling with free throws and I went over to her, made a few small adjustments, asked her to do a few things and vwalla- she made 3 swishes in a row! She looked at me and said "how did you do that??" I wanted to reply- "I'm magic" but I gave the standard "I've been coaching for a lot of years now". It was great. The next day I did the same thing with another girl and again she asked "how did you do that?" they seem to think it is magic so I figure maybe I should go with that! ;) I went home thinking to myself that is why I put the time and effort and sweat and stress into this job- I love being able to make small adjustments in students to help them see success, sometimes it is getting them to stop cussing and staying out of trouble, sometimes it is getting them to come to school, sometimes it is getting them to line up the numbers right in a math problem, or giving a new way to remember something. It isn't magic but it sure feels that way when you see a child's demeanor change because they have finally seen success and then they want more!! I have no magic wand but I do have prayer and it works!!

Buy My House

Here is my cute little house that is for sale in the Northwest part of Las Vegas. For 5% under all other houses in the neighborhood or area. $234,900 hard wood floors, new carpet, new dishwasher. There are several pictures so be sure to click on the picture to see the next ones!
[ http://welcomehomenevada.las.mlxchange.com/?r=1685813439 ]http://welcomehomenevada.las.mlxchange.com/?r=1685813439

Disturbing

Well the house is on the market and so far= bupkiss! I am praying that the right buyer is out there and looking and that the right house is out there in Henderson and will be on the market and in my price range at exactly the right time. I know that God is in control!
I had such a disturbing experience last night- I was at the UNLV football game (as if the game wasn't disturbing enough...) with a bunch of friends. We did the whole tail gate thing which was a lot of fun and then we all got a bit lost in the game- people were in groups spread everywhere and we couldn't seem to hook up or even find each other. It wasn't a big deal because no one was alone. Somehow I ended up sitting right next to the Assistant Area Superintendant whom I will be wanting a job from in the next year if I do Leadership. I was being goofy and cheering for U of A because UNLV was getting their butts kicked by UNR and the game wasn't even fun to watch. I had to behave once the Super sat down!! The disturbing thing happened on the way out... we decided to leave early and were waiting while one person went to the bathroom and I saw a girl who I coached 5 years ago. I said Hi and she was laughing and yelling "Ms. Bageant, no don't look at me". At that point I noticed that she was in handcuffs. Her boyfriend was taking pictures of her yelling "that's my girlfriend everybody". I went over to ask her what happened but the police ringed up around her and basically wouldn't let me near her. The parking lot was so crowded when we were trying to leave that we started our tail gate all over again- I was completely out of it= I can't stand seeing my students and especially my b-ball girls make bad choices. I always want to think that I have a chance to make a difference in the kids lives, that they will have enough self respect that they will not make horrible choices, I pray for them so often and it is heart breaking when reality sets in and I have to face the fact that people make mistakes no matter what. God will take control and they will have to face Him some day but in the mean time I do what I do, I love kids, I teach discipline, I give them structure and I provide something they can count on.
I did get a chance to talk to Mo today- she is back in Vegas and it was so wonderful- I always feel that she hears me and supports me. I whined to her about my funk over my girl and over my job (bad situation with my supervisor) and she just listened and encouraged! It felt good!
Off to bed and then the start of a new week= basketball intramurals start this week so I am praying that I can head into it with a positive attitude and really have fun with the girls while teaching them the game and the discipline!

Changes

There has been a wind of change in my life these days. New position at work- I am out of the classroom for the first time in 11 years and though I really miss the direct connection with the kids I am loving my new job as well. I am in charge of the English Language Learners- I get to monitor their placement, help provide support for their teachers, model lessons and all sorts of other things. I do a lot of sign language and acting things out- basically making a fool out of myself trying to communicate but I am loving it because I am good at it- the fool part that is! I am seeing the staff from a completely different perspective and not liking that so much- people that I really enjoyed working with before do some crazy things in their classrooms that I don't respect or understand. People warned me that being in the office would be different and they weren't joking! I am actually getting the chance to work very closely with some really incredible teachers and I feel like I am able to help some others to at least learn to deal with the non-English speakers but there are some that I truely think hate kids- what is that about, how can you do this job and not like or want the best for kids???!!!?!?!? I just don't get it- the vacations are great, the actual contract hours are great but teaching is hard, it is draining, it is thankless, you take it all home and worry night and day about the kids and what you are able to do for them. I LOVE IT or I just couldn't do it so I can't understand those that are there for a paycheck. God help them because I would think that damaging a child reaps some heavy consequence.
I had a crying mom in my office today telling me about her son who she thinks was molested by her husband- the child is severly depressed and isn't coming to school. I had this young man as a student 2 years ago and really enjoyed him, I gave the mom the best advice I could, tried to encourage her to seek professional help, got the counselor to come in and give her referrals for good counseling agencies, and I have prayed for them to be healed. The problem is that I also offered to go get the kid when he doesn't come to school- the mom agreed but when she left I found out that I am not able to do that- I should have known that i am not allowed to drive kids around (of course I am the taxi during b-ball season) but this is different. I should have known that I don't want to put myself in a position of being alone with a male student, I should have known so much but my need to help clouded my judgement. I now have to call the mom and tell her that there is basically nothing I can do to help her get her son to school- we don't do that is what I was told by the admins. It is hard for me to swallow- we are not able to do good things for kids because we are not able to save them from their lives, we fear law suits and accusations, we don't have the power to change the evil many of them go home to. Again I say God help these people because I think there are horrible consequences to damaging a child!!
Oops- I guess that was bugging me more than I realized- I forgot to go along with my theme of changes.
I am also putting my house up for sale at the end of this week. I have decided that it is about time to move to the other side of town where the majority of my life is conducted. I have a dream of opening my new house up for dinner once a week and inviting all of the people I hang out with from work. I am dreaming that God will transform a weekly dinner into a House Church of non-Christians and that they will come to know God and seek His will in their lives. I pray that I will get to be a part of that!
My sister and I are also training for the half marathon= running sucks but I am really trying to get my butt moving! I got an iPod armband for my birthday so that has helped- I need to find some more upbeat music though, I find myself skipping lots of songs I have on there because they are too mellow= makes me want to slow down or stop, well actually just the fact that I am running makes me want to slow down or stop. I have always done sports that required me to run but without a ball I find running rather hellish. Why the marathon then... because I can and it is good for me and because my friend Liz ran the whole thing last year and she looks great!! Weight loss potential is a great motivator!!
Whew- I'm exhausted, maybe this is why I don't update this thing very often!!

Oh the Places We Go...

I am currently in Williams, AZ with friends from school. I am so blessed to have people that I can travel with that I love and enjoy and we all can travel and see the area without any pressure or conflict. We took the train to the Grand Canyon and I absolutely loved seeing it again and it just made me question how anyone in their right mind could ever see such beauty and still question the existence on God- it could not just be an accident!!!
We have had quite an experience here in Williams- we are in a great bed and breakfast but the manager is quite a character- he has added to the experience for sure but instead of being afraid I had to remind myself to pray for him and to see the future when he will know God and choose to follow him.
I love these people that I am with- such great friend, they take care of me and put up with me and many times I question that but then the Lord reminds me that He has given me so much, none of which should be taken for granted, and that I need to be thankful and content. I want my friends to know the Lord as their savior but I am not sure how to make that happen. then I realize that it isn't my responsibility- my job is to love and pray that I can love with God's wisdom and not my own.
This weekend has been so great since i just started a new job and I have no idea what I am doing- I am trying and I really am loving working with the kids in new ways. I am mourning not being in my classroom but I think if I can make a difference in another way it will be worth the change and the mourning.
There is an ebb and flow in my life when it comes to my singleness. Sometimes I am fine, others I am lonely and many times I am able to recognize my loniness but i understand the futility of being sad about it. i have to believe that I am where God wants me to be- He has me single for a reason and for that I am thankful. I am in a bottom spot of that ebb and flow and I am obsessing over one particular person and I am praying that God will take that infatuation away from me so I can move on. As always I am praying that i am able to just be thankful, thankful for all that I have which is A LOT and that I would stop worrying about what I want or think I should need.
Though I know I am a screw up= I know that I am always messing up life, messing up my witness to others, and I know that I talk too much, listen too little and feel arogant and ridiculous at school far too often.. Lord forgive me. I pray that you will now as you have always done, redeem me and the things I do!
Thanks be to God for all of your creation adn for showing me beauty when you know I need to see you!

Where am I at?

I freaked out a few weeks ago about going to India- I have decided that the flood in my house could be a metaphor for my life. Everything has been overwhelmed and caused me to reevaluate where I am going and why I am doing certain things. I freaked in front of the team and finally allowed my feelings to be known- some of them even to me. I am just not sure- I can't decide if I am to go to India or stay and help others go. When I am alone and praying I don't hear a definite answer but I feel that I have been told- it is OK to be confused, it is OK to be unsure, and no matter whether I go or stay God is enough for me, He will protect me, He will love me, He will provide for me, and I am not strong enough to ruin His will in my life. I keep reminding myself of that- God is too strong for me to mess up His plans- I am asking for His will even if I don't do the greatest job of seeking it out, so He will guide me. I feel so much more at peace just having voiced my concerns, my doubt. I feel somewhat foolish and embarrassed that for so long I have been telling people that I am going to go off and do this great thing for God and now I am saying- well, maybe not, maybe I am going to stay here and still try to do the great thing for God in a different way. I have to understand that I can not go because I feel dumb or humbled, I can not go because I feel guilty, I can not go because I want to do the big and bold things for God- I have to go if I am called, I have to stay if I am called. So, here I sit for the bizzilionth time asking to know my calling.
I am a teacher, I love being a teacher, I love my students though I often make mistakes with them, I am impatient with them and I am not enough like Jesus for them but I love being a teacher, I feel that God has gifted me in that. I feel that God has gifted me to be a giver- I love to remember little things that people say in passing and have them come up again as a gift, I love to write cards and let people know that they are appreciated and being thought of, I love being able to encourage people in what they are doing and ask for the best out of them. These are gifts that fit so well in a sender role- I feel that I would be able to teach others about hte mission and I would be able to care for the team in ways some people wouldn't. Does that mean stay? Someone tonight told me that they weren't surprised that I was thinking about staying because to go would require me to trust God. I am hurt by that- I am trying to trust God as much as I know how- I get that I fail God constantly but I am trying. I have always been honest about my fears and how very difficult fund raising is for me- asking people for money is not something that I want to do but I do trust that if it is God's will for me to go then it is His will for others to send me- people would be willing to give. He will provide for what He has called. Is this whole thing a lack of faith? I sure hope not, I pray not. I don't hear God as clearly as many people seem to- I am not faithful enough to sit and listen as often as I should or to read as much as I should but I am trusting God with my life= I am sure that I hold on to way too much and that I need to continually surender, continually set at God's feet those things that I try to keep for myself or do for myself. I know that here or in India I will have this struggle because I am way too proud. Does that mean I should go just so I can say I am trusting the Lord or is it a bigger lesson that I have to learn- How do I trust God when I seem to be comfortable. I prayed more than I ever have when I went to India with my girls, I had to- I was in over my head and out of control. I had to lean on God because if not I would have flipped out and terrible things would have happened to all of us. I know that I need that kind of devotion here, everyday as I go to work and work with kids I should be just as dependent on God's protection and His leading, maybe this is the lesson that is most important for me in this season??!!
At house church Zack brought up the fact that staying here seems like the easy way out but God might have something really difficult in my future that will make going to India seem like the easy road-- in some ways that is how I feel- isn't it easy to be close to God when He is all you have, when just to wake up in the morning and know that you are giong to have to try and communicate with a world you don't understand and who doesn't understand you requires God's strength in your life? What about tomorrow when I wake up in my bed that I know, in my country that I know, in my culture that I know-- will it be easy for me to be close to God, to lean on Him to be my everything? That is my challenge- it may be my challenge for now until we go, or it may be my challenge for life!
I don't know if I am supposed to go or not but it is OK for me to say- not now, not until I know where God is leading. If that is a lack of faith then I pray for more faith!

Struggling

I am having such a hard time lately thinking about going to India. I don't want to go, I want to fall in love, I want to get married, I want to become an administrator, I want to see a successful school program that I helped put together, I want to continue to build my relationships at work and church, I want to tell God no. What I want doesn't matter- I have to submit, I have to be willing to do whatever God asks of me even when I don't understand it. I know that God's best is the goal, I know that going for what I want isn't going to get me what I need. I don't know where the passion for missions has gone, I don't know why I can't get it back, I don't know what it was at the beginning that made me feel called to this team and this mission. The fact is that I did feel called and I am going to continue to pray to hear God's voice in the whole thing. Questioning is good but I have to continue to pray for the ability to hear God when I want to scream running in the other direction.

Sick

I was home sick from work today-- I am wondering if Satan has something to do with my illness. I don't like to give him credit for anything but Apex was last night and I think it is very important that I am connected to the whole community and I was excited to go. I woke up in the middle of the night Sunday morning violently ill and just couldn't get over it. I prayed in Christ's name, against the devil, that the power of the Lord would take over and that His name would protect my house. Well, I didn't make it to Apex but I do think Jesus helped me out because the insurance check for my flooded house came today and I was able to send it next day mail to my mortgage company and hopefully they will send it back quickly since I am supposed to pay for and pick up my new flooring on Friday! God works all things for good- I hold onto that very tightly and I believe it with everything that is in me.
While I sat here feeling sorry for myself today my friend was at the doctors with her dad where she found out that his cancer is back. I am praying for their family-- as always in these situations I don't know what to pray because if God wants her dad then he will die but I pray for comfort, understanding, and for the family to see God's hand in the whole thing. I don't know why our loved ones have to suffer, I don't know why we have to stand by with nothing to do while our friends suffer, but I do know that God is in control and I trust Him to work all things for His glory!
On a happier note our boys basketball team is in the city tournament and the first game is tomorrow-- as always I have made spirit posters for them all and plan to get up early and hang them around campus! I love doing cool things for the kids!!

I heard some terrible news on Friday night-- a friend of mine from college- an old boy friend died in a car accident a few weeks ago. He was a wonderful man of God, he was a Young Life leader and a youth pastor and had touched the lives of thousands of students and their parents in the years that he ministered. He was almost 40 and had just gotten married for the first time. Thousands of people went to his memorial service in Texas and there is a guest book on the obituary online that has been signed by hundreds talking about how David was used in their lives for the glory of God. I don't understand why God would take David now, why he would snatch him so hastily out of this world when he was truely serving God with his heart and life. I wonder was the enemy upset that he was serving God and making strides for the Kingdom? I don't think we die until God chooses- He is in control, I know that for sure but I wonder if the enemy had something to do with how? I pray over David's wife and all the students in his ministry that God will protect them from doubt, from anger, from the enemies lies. I pray that the name of Jesus is washed over them with such power that they can not question the whys but just trust in the author of life that the final chapter will be a great one.
Each member of our team that will be going overseas has had some sort of tragedy recently, car accidents, floods, illness, etc. It was mentioned today that maybe we are under attack and that the enemy (whom I rarely give enough credit to, or any credit at all for that matter) is not happy about what we are devoting our lives to. We need to call out the power of Christ, rebuke evil, and live in the glory of God every moment. I am scared but exhilerated at the same time-- if satan is unhappy then we are definitely getting ready for the right fight. We will produce fruit for God's Kingdom and satan wants to discourage that. Thankfully I already know how the story ends and God wins, I get to rest in that and rejoice in any part I play in the fight for His glory on this Earth!!
Another sad note, our friend John is leaving for the middle east for 3 months, leaving 3 kids and an adoring wife behind. We will miss him and pray for him often!
I am working hard to get this house back in order after the flood and I am super sore and I look like I have been beaten so I am off to bed with this weary body!

The Great Flood of 2006

I have done it again--- as is typical in my life the unexpected has happened again! I put laundry in the washer, went to my room to clean and work on the computer and noticed some water in the bathroom. Hmm, not coming from the toilet, not coming from under the sink, I go out to the living room and freaked!! Everything flooded- a couple inches of water everywhere the eye can see! I turned the washer off and just stood there dumbfounded-- I got towels and tried to "sweep" it out the door, got the mop and that was ridiculous, finally settled on the Floor Mate until my roommate came home and we called the water extraction company.
Now there are 16 industrial fans, one dehumidifier, a noise level beyond reason and NO flooring in my house. We went to a hotel last night but I have cleared my bed for tonight.
The good part- I get new flooring after the disaster. I have lost some things but I guess I should be greatful for what I will gain!
God is working miracles in my life getting me ready for the mission field. I was prayed over last weekend and the people heard the exact words from God that I have been hearing-- very reasuring!
God is good and he always dries up the floods in our lives!

Decisions

It is official-- we will be going to Northern India sometime in 2007! I am both excited and scared. I am now searching for language learning opportunities and praying about all of my insecurities and lack of faith.
It has been brought to light how very proud I am and how very afraid I am that God is going to teach me a tough lesson about my own pride. I need to be willing to go to India and just learn, let God work, allow God to strip me of myself and do what He will with my life and my relationships. I have a true problem with being idle-- I want to be productive, I want to make money-- I have to change my mindset and realise that support is payment for doing God's calling. I will be working but I will be working on language and culture and cultivating relationships. I will have to be the student and not the teacher. I am praying that if I surrender and do God's calling with humility He will return to me my chance to teach in the future. I am also praying that those people who feel led to support me will be blessed for following God's call in their lives as I truely do believe that is what it is.
Boy, some serious stuff going on in my head-- can I just go back to bed for a while??

Basketball and Life

I am coaching basketball and this has been a rough season. We started off by getting our butts wiped across the court in the first 3 games, tied up the 4th and lost in OT, won the 5th, won the 6th, and lost the 7th by 2 points. For the first time ever in my coaching carreer of any get sport I am hoping the parents don't show up! Usually I am praying that the parents will pay attention to their children and support them, this year the parents and family who do come sit behind me and cuss me out because they don't like the decisions I make. Oh well, at least they are there watching their kids and I need to get a thicker skin!
The decision on the next 10 years of my life should be made this week- I should find out where I am going and then we can figure out what we are going to do and how we are going to do it. I am both nervous and excited! We set up a timeline a few weeks ago and we are now planning to leave in the summer of '07. Knowing that is helpful but it was also a hard realization that I really am going to be single- most likely for the next 10 years or for the rest of my life. I think I am OK with it but I am mourning what I have always wanted in my life that I will not have. I want God's best and I am confident that He will provide the emotional support that I need to choose His will and not my own. It is a daily struggle but the fact that there isn't anyone interested in me or that I am interested in makes the whole struggle ridiculous!
I have been hanging out with friends from work- all married and somehow they get all the flirtation, all the propositions, all the suggestive emails-- I am glad that I don't have to deal with it to be honest but I wonder what marriage is if they all seem to think that as long as nothing happens it is ok to keep up the appearances that something might. Is that honoring to the spouse even if they don't know?? I have to say that if I was married I wouldn't want my husband giving the impression that he might cheat on me to people who would want him to. Hmm-- am I just naive- maybe, am I just being judgmental-- maybe.
Off to do other things this weekend--